Humor

My Ideal Ereader

Jesse Doogan

Staff Writer

Jesse Doogan writes about food, faith, books, and DIY projects, and sometimes even puts these things on her blog. She works in publishing and lives near Chicago with her cat. She tweets about all these things at @jadoogan.   Blog Twitter: @jadoogan

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This list of the best ereaders is sponsored by The Hive by Barry Lyga and Morgan Baden from KCP Loft.

New York Times bestselling authors Barry Lyga and Morgan Baden have teamed up for the first time to create a novel that’s gripping, terrifying and more relevant every day. The Hive follows seventeen-year-old Cassie, who, after being “condemned” on social media, is on the run from a deadly state-sanctioned mob seeking to exact IRL punishment. Aided by a shadowy underground network, Cassie becomes an unlikely heroine, as her search for the truth makes her a threat to the entire unjust system. The Hive is a breathless race through the day after tomorrow, where online and real life are blurred beyond recognition, and social media casts ever-darker shadows.

My ideal ereader has an e-ink screen so my eyes don’t get tired while I’m reading.

My ideal ereader has an e-ink screen so my eyes don’t get tired while I’m reading, but it’s color e-ink, so I can see the rich colors of my book covers on a velvety screen with a refresh rate like butterfly wings.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen and a battery life that lasts for years, so I never get to my lunch break and realize that I only have 2% battery left and have to sit close to an outlet in order to get in my allotted 55 minutes of midday reading time.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery life, and charges wirelessly, so if I do reach the end of that endless charge, I don’t have to worry if I left my cord at home. It can take a charge from a coffee shop playlist, as long as the coffee shop is playing Motown or Carly Rae Jepson, since no one can get a charge from Bon Iver.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery life, charges wirelessly, and it comes when I call, so I never have to worry about getting out of the bath to go get it because I realized I don’t want to read my paperback, I want to read that ebook I bought for 99¢ three years ago. My ideal ereader comes to hand when I yell “accio ereader,” but yours can answer to any spell you might decide to cast.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery life, charges wirelessly, answers to accio! and brews a perfect cup of tea for the occasion. It has a rotating selection of rooibos teas, and certainly doesn’t make coffee because I am going to sleep as soon as I finish this chapter, and I do not need encouragement to stay up later.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery life, charges wirelessly, comes when I call, makes a perfect cup of tea, and has every ebook I’ve ever purchased, regardless of service, politics, tech corporation shuffle, or DRM. My perfect ereader has solved every disagreement over library ebook rights and figured out a sustainable model for everyone.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery life, charges wirelessly, responds to Harry Potter charms, brews a piping hot cup of herbal tea, solves DRM arguments, and goes into deep-focus mode whenever my book is getting particularly good. My ideal ereader goes into deep-focus mode and blocks every notification or interruption, except the ones it knows I would like or need. My ideal ereader deactivated my Facebook account years ago because it knows I don’t use it for anything that leads to any lasting happiness.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery life, charges wirelessly, comes when I call, brews a perfect cup of tea, solves DRM issues, goes into deep-focus mode at all the good parts, and cleans my apartment while I read. My ideal ereader is a combination ereader, Roomba, and Rosie the Robot who makes sure I have time to read by vacuuming my bedroom, folding laundry, and cleaning the bathroom while I finish my book.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery life, charges wirelessly, comes when I call, brews a perfect cup of tea, solves DRM issues, goes into deep-focus mode at all the good parts, cleans my apartment while I read, and has a pop-out hammock that I can erect wherever I happen to be. My ideal ereader has a hammock that can walk around on spidery legs to make sure that I have enough light to read but not too much that I have a glare. My ideal ereader has a hammock that settles under trees so I can see the pretty pattern the sun makes through the leaves on my screen, but not for so long that they get annoying.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, endless battery, charges on coffee shop playlists, comes when I call, brews a perfect cup of tea, solves DRM issues, goes into deep-focus mode at the good parts, cleans my apartment, has a pop-out hammock, and mutes “I just prefer the feel of a real book” from all timelines, on the internet or in real life. My ideal ereader understands that physical books are beautiful, wonderful objects, but that the content of those books is what is really important, and it manages to teach that to everyone I encounter, before I have to argue with them.

My ideal ereader has a color e-ink screen, a never-ending battery, charges wirelessly, comes when I call, brews a perfect cup of tea, solves DRM issues, goes into deep-focus mode when my book gets exciting, cleans my apartment, has a pop-out hammock, mutes people who want to argue for the sake of arguing, and glows just the right amount so I can read in the dark without waking anyone else up. My ideal ereader projects stars on my ceiling at night and dims them slowly so I can fall asleep thinking about the perfect last page of my perfect book.