17 Signs That Your Tinder Date Might Be Edgar Allan Poe
This Edgar Allan Poe post is sponsored by Flatiron Books, publishers of His Hideous Heart, a collection of 13 of Edgar Allan Poe’s most unsettling tales reimagined.
13 young adult authors… 13 heart-stopping tales… This collection will “delight longtime Poe fans just as much as readers who haven’t read the classics” (Beth Revis).
We’ve all—well, most of us—been on that awkward first date. The one that made you question your own judgement, wonder if you have any taste at all, ask yourself, well, is this all that’s left in the dating pool? Is this punishment for my sins? Is it just, I don’t know, the heart of the man I killed returned to torture me indefinitely? Should I just get another pet and lean in to this whole spinster vibe?
And then: a glimmer of hope. He sets a time and a date and a place. There are no red flags. Could this be it? It’s so effortless. Everything is just…falling into place!
BUT WAIT. It’s not so simple. There are a few things you should still be wary of. You could be on a Tinder date with Edgar Allan Poe. Watch out for these 17 tell-tale signs.
17 Signs That Your Tinder Date Might Be Edgar Allan Poe
- In his profile picture, he has a cat perched on his shoulder. His blurb calls her Catterina. You like puns and you like cats, so you swipe right.
- He suggests a walk by the sea for your first date, but because you’ve seen a lot of murder documentaries, you make a joke about it and ask to go somewhere public. He responds, “The most poetical topic in the world is the death of a beautiful woman.” You say, “Thank you?”
- He calls you by several different names before he finally gets it right. You attribute this to a glitch in the dating app… but the names he calls you are old, moneyed names like “Berenice” and “Lenore” and “Annabelle Lee” and “Virginia.” He is very embarrassed each time you correct him.
- When you meet him, you realize that his mustache is unironic, which is only slightly less attractive than if it was ironic.
- Rather than ask if you’d like to share a bottle of wine, he orders Amontillado without consulting you, and proceeds to tell you that he has a whole cask of it at home.
- He brags about inventing the detective novel, claiming that one of his characters inspired the well-known Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot.
- He complains of the smoke detector alarm going off, though you don’t hear anything but the restaurant’s ambient violin music.
- He talks a lot about his ex-wife.
- He talks a lot about his cousin, too.
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