You know what readers love? Harry Potter. And also puns. Put them together, and you’ve got some real magic. (See what I did there?) Let’s tuck in to some treacle tart and pumpkin juice and let the Harry Potter puns flow. I had to sort this into safe for work and not safe for work because lord, the internet is naughty.
Editor’s Note: This post was written prior to our decision to stop promoting the works of J.K. Rowling in light of her transphobic statements.
Siriusly Riddikulus Harry Potter Puns
Where can you find Dumbledore’s Army? Up his sleeve-y!
Why did Severus Snape stand in the middle of the road? So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash? With quit-itch.
Anyone else who had committed Voldemort’s crimes would have been riddled with guilt.
If a wizard gets robbed by a Muggle, has he been Muggled?
McGonagall is a good teacher, but she has a tendency to be catty.
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord? A Volt-demort.
I named my lizard Harry just so I can say “You’re a lizard, Harry!”
What do you call a postal carrier that can speak to packages? A parcel tongue.
Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter over Facebook? Because he has followers, not friends.
Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor? Because he can’t control his pupils.
What kind of laugh does Newt Scamander make? A bowchuckle.
George Weasley’s favorite line from Shakespeare: “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.”
Naughty Harry Potter Puns and Pickup Lines
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
Are you a Snitch? Because you’re the finest catch here.
I’m not wearing an invisibility cloak, but do you think I could still visit your restricted section tonight?
You may be a muggle, but that body is magical.
I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I’m about to get lucky.
Do you like Harry Potter? Because I a-Dumbledore you!
If you show me your wand, I’ll show you my golden snitch.
Want to make some magic together? My wand is at the ready.
Are you a Dementor? You just took my breath away.
I’ve been whomping my willow thinking about you.
If you think Myrtle moans, just wait until you spend the night with me.
The Sorting Hat saw my destiny, and it said I’m meant to be in your house.
Did you say petrificus totalus? Because you’ve made me stiff.
Do you mind if I Slytherin between your sheets?
You must be a basilisk, because the moment I looked into your eyes, I froze.
I might as well be under the Imperius curse, because I’d do anything for you.
Do you want to head to the Shrieking Shack? We could do some shrieking of our own.
You must have been in Professor Flitwick’s class, because I’ve never met anyone more charming.
If you were a Dementor, I’d become a criminal just to get your kiss.
You must be a Snitch, because I’ve been seeking you my whole life.
Have you heard of Platform 9 and 3/4? Well, I can think of something else with the exact same measurements.
Did you just say lumos maxima? Because I’m turned on.
Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Did you survive the Avada Kedavra curse? Because you’re drop dead gorgeous.
My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!
Did you just say expelliarmus? Because your smile is disarming.
I may be a muggle, but the things I can do in bed are magical.
You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You’re growing me a bone.
Hagrid’s not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean.
I’d like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.