Avoid bookstore faux pas like the following while speaking to the overworked bookstore employees with their smocks and helpful head nods:
1. How much does this cost on Amazon?
2. How can you work here when Amazon Prime exists? Are you on Amazon Prime?
3. I’m a writer and I don’t want to waste my time, so which of these should I actually read?
4. I only read signed copies. Where is the signed section?
5. I don’t need help. I just come by the bookstore to hit on the smart people buying Ulysses for light, fun reading.
6. I don’t need help. I just want to write down all of Giada’s recipes.
7. I don’t need help. I’m just figuring out where my book will be shelved once I finish it, get an agent, sell it, and get it stocked here, in this location.
8. I don’t need help. I’m just writing notes on page fifteen of every book. I’m creating a treasure hunt for the bookish.
9. Which of these is going to be a movie? I want to judge the future movie by the past cover.
10. How many teens die in this one? I only respond to mass numbers of teen deaths.
11. If I just spilled my coffee on the hardcover book of swimming dogs, should I tell you about it?
12. Does Gabriel Garcia Bernal love Gabriel Garcia Marquez?
13. Does this author still look like her author photo? Or is she tricking me into thinking she’s still attractive?
14. I’m going to go relax on the floor in the reference section stretched out in a starfish shape while I read. Can you please not stock over there?
15. I make my own soda, cheese, beer, tempeh, hummus and sausage—babyfood for my kid, wine for me, pickles for all, paper products too. Which book can take me to the next level? I want to make my own sunlight source someday. MY OWN STAR.
16. Would Miley Cyrus recommend I read this one? Katy Perry? 2000’s Hillary Duff? 1990’s Lindsay Lohan?
17. Which books should I have on my dating profile to not seem idiotic, politicized, out of shape or creepy?
18. How long can I stand in the magazine section before people judge me? Will you? Is this something I should be self-conscious about? What should I be self-conscious about?
19. I only purchase children’s books that are written by celebrities.
20. Hold on, hold on. I’m buying this one on my Kindle while we’re talking.
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