WB’s Top Secret Strategies for Superhero Movie Success
Oh, DC. With the exception of Wonder Woman, their movies have by and large been absolute stinkers. But worry no longer! In a recent interview with EW, Warner Brothers film chairman Toby Emmerich set forward a bold philosophy: “Good movies work better.”
“I think the good movies work better. Somebody once said the best business strategy in motion pictures in quality. [sic] And I think in a world of Rotten Tomatoes and social media, what’s been proven the better the movie [sic] – particularly in the superhero genre – the better it performs. You can’t hide the bacon anymore.”
Good movies! Wow! What a concept!
This is very exciting, of course, but it does leave you wondering what DC/WB’s plans were for the DCEU before they stumbled upon this world-shaking strategy. Well, lucky for you, I managed to get my hands on the notes from the Warner Brothers top secret DCEU strategy brainstorming session, and I’m here to share them with you:
- Call it “Spidder-Man” and hope no one notices
- Prop up a cardboard box on a stick, bait it with elevator shoes and colorful sunglasses, and wait for Robert Downey Jr. to come along. You’re playing Hawkman now, Bob.
- Wasted one blond Chris in a supporting role, NEED MORE CHRISES! Can we bring back Chris O’Donnell as Robin? [Note: Christopher Nolan’s contract states that we can never say “Robin” in a movie so we’ll have to ADR like a klaxon or birdsong or something whenever they say his name. We’ll workshop it.]
- Destroy more cities. Everyone liked that part of Man of Steel, right?
- Reveal that “Hippolyta” is Greek for “Martha”
- Would Chris Rock dye his hair blond?
- Deathstroke kills everyone. Superman kills Deathstroke. R’as al Ghul [Note: MUST BE PLAYED BY A WHITE GUY!!!] brings Deathstroke back from the dead and together they kill Superman, who comes back again but just long enough to kill them back and then die fighting Darkseid, who is killed by Batman. It’s so sick. [Note: Get rights to “Whatcha Say.”]
- Joker movie
- Chris Plummer?
- TWO Joker movies
- Hire Anish Kapoor to make a movie entirely in Vantablack
- Never, ever release Ben Affleck’s soul from the cursed jar we trapped it in back in 2015. It’s angry now.
- Teaser trailer for GUARDIANS OF THE UNIVERSE that’s just “Crocodile Rock” playing in its entirety over footage of nebulas and shit. [Note: Hopefully by the time audiences realize it’s a movie about the little blue guys from Green Lantern and not Chris Pratt we’ll already have their money.]
- Kriss Kross?
- Focus on protagonists of color, female leads, and any LGBTQIA characters at all, since Marvel has left money on the table by historically underepresenting any type of hero but white men and audiences are starving for representation What are you, high? MORE BATMAN!!!
- Jonah Hex II
As great as all these sound, I’m looking forward to seeing how this wacky “good movies” experiment plays out. Let’s all cross our fish fingers for Aquaman!
