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Can You Guess the Book Based on its “Am I the A**hole” Post?

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Danika Ellis

Associate Editor

Danika spends most of her time talking about queer women books at the Lesbrary. Blog: The Lesbrary Twitter: @DanikaEllis

Am I the Asshole? is an infamous subreddit where people anonymously share situations that they’ve found themselves in and ask the public to vote on whether they’re the asshole in this (YTA: You’re the Asshole), or if someone else behaved badly (NTA: Not the Asshole). Occasionally it’s ruled that there are No Assholes Here or, alternatively, Everyone Sucks Here. I’ll admit, I’ve had to blacklist AITA on twitter, because sometimes the stories are so enraging that I’m left fuming about it all day. They are, however, incredibly addictive to read.

Since AITA already strains credibility at some points, it seemed natural to bring this into the world of the fictional. We’ve all read books with real asshole characters, or even stories where ESH. So we’ve decided to imagine what those characters (or characters who aren’t sure if they’re the asshole) would write about their situations on Reddit. Plus, this way you get to read about outrageous situations without worrying about any real-life people involved! Try to guess the title before the end, and see how many you can get!

AITA for Stealing My Ex-Girlfriend’s Car After She Pretended to Cheat On Me?

Okay, so, admittedly our relationship wasn’t great before this. We probably should have broken up earlier. I (29f) was just out of a relationship and still early in transitioning when I met S (29f). The sex had gotten boring. One day she tells me that she’s slept with a mutual friend, K (~29m). I had slept with him before, but whatever. And then she got angry with me because I didn’t react. I asked what I was supposed to do with this information, and she said I should be more emotional. Then K shows up at my work, and I tell him I’m breaking up with S, and he says they were just messing with me and they didn’t sleep together. So S says that she just told me that because I was so distant in our relationship. And then later she breaks up with me. And I get fired. So I figured, what better time for an impromptu road trip with some heroin? It’s New York, so I don’t have a car. And that’s why I borrowed hers, which I will definitely return when I get back—whenever that is. AITA for “borrowing” my ex-girlfriend’s car? (Nevada by Imogen Binnie)
—Danika Ellis

AITA for Punishing a Student for Stealing a Slice of My Birthday Cake?

I (55f) am the headmistress of a school in a small Buckinghamshire village. I have a reputation for being tough, but I prefer to consider myself as scrupulous. Many of my students have been babied for their entire lives by lily-livered parents, and their teachers (including my own niece) allow them to run wild. As a past Olympian myself, I understand the need for physical and mental discipline. Children need law and order to live, and I won’t stand idly by as they turn my school into a circus. One student in particular (8m) continuously insists on running amok and causing chaos. This year, on my birthday, I wanted nothing more than to enjoy my annual chocolate cake in peace, the most scrumptious delight in the entire world. But this vicious sneak slithered into the school kitchen and ate a slice of my cake. Naturally, I couldn’t allow such behavior to stand. I called the student in front of the entire student body, demanding that if he couldn’t keep his grubby hands off of my dessert, then he must eat the entire confection in front of his fellow pupils. I hoped the embarrassment would teach him a lesson, but what I envisioned as a poignant moment ended with the student body cheering for the student as he stuffed the cake down his gullet, completely disregarding my lesson in morals. I was forced to require all students to stay five hours after school, copying the dictionary, and yet I still feel the lesson went unlearned. Now, parents are beginning to complain about the encounter and subsequent school-wide detention, and I fear the scoundrel will be back at his antics without a single regret.

Tl;dr I punished a student for stealing my birthday cake by making him eat it in front of the school, but now he’s the hero and I’m the bully. AITA? (Matilda by Roald Dahl)
—Susie Dumond

AITA for Trying To Get My Rightful Share of the Family Money From My Cousins, Who Aren’t Using it Anyway and Who are Murderers Besides?

My (30m) family used to be closer, but then my uncle (50m) and his entire family (45f, 52m, 48f, 10m) were poisoned by my cousin (25f) who still lives in their mansion with my other cousin (18f), who was not at dinner that night. (She was acquitted, but everyone knows she did it.) When I went to visit my cousins, I discovered that they keep our family money in a safe on the premises, which is not safe, and buried around the property, which is not proper. I just want my rightful share, so I tried to make friends with my older cousin, but my weirdo younger cousin lost it when I tried to help out around the house, smashing a broken step I was fixing and later setting my bed on fire. My uncle would have wanted me to take charge, since his daughters clearly can’t handle it, but they don’t seem to appreciate my efforts. AITA? (We Have Always Lived In The Castle by Shirley Jackson)
—Annika Barranti Klein

man wearing white top using MacBook
Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

AITA for Arranging My Son’s Marriage?

My (50F) youngest son (26M) is handsome, intelligent, and accomplished, but he has never had a girlfriend. He thinks he is not interested in dating, but I know he is lonely. I believe he is just shy, so I interviewed girls to find him a potential bride. None of them were good enough for my son, but I met a good potential wife (23F) for him working at the hotel and invited her to come to America on a three month visa as a trial. Did I go too far? I know she will be a good match for him because she is just as stubborn as he is—she said no to me! AITA? (The Bride Test by Helen Hoang)
—Annika Barranti Klein

AITA for Disowning My Drug-Addicted Sidekick?

I (39M) am a superhero at the height of his career. Lately I’ve spent a lot of time on the road with my best friend (39M) and with my newly ex(ish? It’s complicated)-girlfriend (44F) while my sidekick (16M) stays home alone. It’s only natural that an action-loving hero like myself would want to live life to the fullest, right? Well, my sidekick didn’t see it that way. He got himself addicted to heroin, even though he KNOWS how much I hate junkies! Naturally, I slapped him and kicked him out. For a moment, I blamed myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have left him alone for a whole month, but hey, he’s a tough, independent kid—he should have been able to handle it. Anyway, my best friend picked him up and my ex helped him out. A week later, my sidekick shows up and says he’s sober. I try to congratulate him, but then he blames ME for abandoning him in his time of need and punches me in the face at his junkie friend’s funeral. But isn’t it true that he wouldn’t have had the strength to kick the habit if I hadn’t taught him (admittedly, in absentia) to stand on his own two feet? Or AITA for helping my sidekick become a real man? (Green Lantern #85-86 (“Snowbirds Don’t Fly”) by Dennis O’Neil and Neal Adams)
—Eileen Gonzalez

AITA for Being Honest When I Proposed?

My (30M) friend recently rented a house in the country and invited me to stay, and he’s way too friendly to randos so I was forced to socialize with the locals. He was crushing hard on one girl in particular, which meant I kept running into her younger sister (20F) who is just okay looking but she’s kind of hot, whatever. The rest of their family is basically all nightmares, though, plus they have way less money than my friend and I do—can you say gold diggers? The older sister didn’t even seem that into him. Anyway, I eventually convinced him to dump her and we left town, but then I ran into the younger sister at my aunt’s (102F) house and she was still sort of hot, so I told her I’d marry her even though her family was all broke losers. Then she got mad me for being “rude” or whatever and for breaking up her sister and my friend, and THEN she accused me of backstabbing this jabroni I grew up with when actually HE tried to elope with my sister (15F!!!) to steal her inheritance. I already wrote her a letter explaining how wrong she is but it’s bothering me. What was I supposed to do—say nice things, like a LIAR? AITA? (Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen)
—Jess Plummer

AITA for a MINOR Cloning Mishap?

I (35M) cloned my friend (1500M) who is a thunder god and the clone (1 week M) killed our other friend and now people are mad at me, but I did it to save lives and I’m obviously doing a great job of that. AITA? (Marvel’s Civil War by Mark Millar, Steve McNiven, et al.)
—Jess Plummer

AITA for Taking Extreme Measures to Guarantee World Peace?

Okay, some backstory: I (17M) come from a small village where my family served as the police force. Before you start yelling at me that all cops suck, don’t worry. My big brother (21M) agreed with you and killed my entire family. I’m the only survivor. Thanks, bro. Anyway, I grew up an orphan, but I think I turned out okay. I was a good student and other people seemed to like me.

Still, I don’t think you can blame me for being pissed off at my brother. Not only did he murder our family, he abandoned me and became a wanted criminal! Why wouldn’t I want some revenge? The thing is, before he left, I never beat him in a fight. I had to get stronger. A lot stronger. No one else understood this. Not my teachers and not my friends. They got really mad when I decided to leave the village to train under a legendary fighter. Yeah, he’s an international war criminal, but no one’s perfect. It was a really good opportunity. Anyway, I got into a huge fight with my best friend (17M) and left the village under really bad circumstances.

I eventually managed to track down my brother. He ended up dying but not before I learned the truth. He was ordered to kill our family! Can you believe that? I always knew the world was a little screwed up. I was a child soldier. Trust me, I know. But this really opened my eyes.

So I came up with a plan to stop this kind of thing from happening again. No one else needs to be ordered to kill their entire family. No one else needs to grow up an orphan like me and my best friend. But when I returned home, everyone treated me like I was the criminal! Sure, I might have done some terrible things while I was away, but I helped my best friend stop the current war! I don’t understand why no one’s willing to consider my plan. I think it’s reasonable. We have weapons of mass destruction that must be confiscated. You can’t trust people with them. Yeah, these “weapons” are actually people, but we have to look at the bigger picture. The current leaders are enabling the system, so we need to get rid of them. I’m willing to take on the burden of being world leader, but everyone thinks this is a terrible idea. Even my best friend disagrees with me! I can’t believe I have to kill him over this, but I will if I have to.

TL;DR – While seeking revenge on my brother, I learned the truth about the world we live in. I have a plan to fix everything, but it involves killing some people. Now everyone’s mad at me.

Have I lost all touch with reality? Am I really the asshole here? (Naruto by Masashi Kishimoto)
—Vernieda Vergara

AITA for Cutting Out My Alcoholic Best Friend When I Got Pregnant?

J (18f), H (18f) and I (18f) were best friends for years, until everything went to hell. H was always a partier, but her drinking got worse and worse, until she was falling down drunk every chance she could get. Meanwhile, my life was hard enough on its own. I had just started to get an almost-boyfriend that I was maybe falling in love with when he died in an accident. A week or so later, I found out I was pregnant. That’s when H had to get taken to the hospital to get her stomach pumped. I decided that if I was going to be a single teen mom, I needed to prioritize the safety of my kid, so I told H I couldn’t be around her anymore: I didn’t trust her around the baby. We haven’t spoken since, and J sided with me. The truth is, it wasn’t just about the baby. After my almost-boyfriend died, I was scared by H’s close call, and I didn’t want to have to go through her death, too. It’s been a couple years now, and I’ve pretty much figured out this parenting thing, and I heard H went through rehab and is maybe sober now? But I don’t know whether she’d forgive even me if I reached out: J and I did abandon her at her darkest point. (But also, there’s a battle of the band with a $15,000 prize coming up, and we’d need to get the band back together to win it, so there’s that.) AITA for cutting her out? Should I reach out to her now? (This is What it Feels Like by Rebecca Barrow)
—Danika Ellis

AITA for Marrying My Best Friend to Shut My Parents Up?

My parents (45ishM, 45ishF) are constantly on my case about getting married. I (22F) have no interest in getting married in the near future, but every time I see them or talk to them, they are trying to introduce me to some guy to marry. My coworker (21F) who I’ve been friends with since high school needed a place to live, and she proposed that we get married so she can live with me until she finds a place and my parents will stop bothering me. I guess that sounded like a good idea at the time, because now we’re married? Also, totally minor aside, I already knew that she’s a lesbian and had a crush on me in high school. (Even more minor aside: she’s kind of cute maybe? I might like pretending to be married?) My parents are pissed. AITA? (I Married My Best Friend to Shut My Parents Up by Naoko Kodama)
—Danika Ellis

How well did you do? Were you able to guess many before the title was revealed? And how would you vote on these posts?