5 Hilarious How-To Books

Oh, dear.

Apparently, there are how-to books, and then there are how-to books. I mean, what a wonderful place this world is when you can find books that help you in your quest to date a vampire, hypnotize anyone in under a minute, or be the best zombie you can be. You want to do ____? There’s a book for that, people. And in keeping with this helping spirit, I give you five of the most hilarious how-to books. Some of these are meant to be funny, and some are, sadly, meant to be taken very, very seriously. I’ll let you decide which is which!

How to Tell If Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You by The Oatmeal (Matthew Inman) (Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2012)

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You by The Oatmeal (Matthew Inman) (Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2012)

I gotta say, this book has to be my favorite “how-to.” I mean, all this time I was thinking that my parents’ sweet little kitty was showing his affection by kneading their stomachs with his paws or dropping dead bugs at their feet. The Oatmeal here tells us otherwise. Kneading a human is a cat’s way of checking for weak organs! Dead things dropped at your feet are WARNINGS, NOT PRESENTS! Who knew?

How to Be Inappropriate

How to be Inappropriate by Daniel Nester (Soft Skull Press, 2009)

How to be Inappropriate by Daniel Nester (Soft Skull Press, 2009)

According to the description, this book has it all: “probing essays, lists, profiles, barstool rants, queries, pedantic footnotes, play scripts, commonplace miscellany, and overly revealing memoir.” Oh my. I guess if you hate awkwardness, this book will make you really squirmy. But if you didn’t find shows like *The Office* too painful to watch, then you’re good for this book.

How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less by Nicholas Boothman (Workman Publishing Company, 2009)

How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less by Nicholas Boothman (Workman Publishing Company, 2009)

According to the reviews, this book isn’t as in-your-face, here-are-all-the-answers-toute-de-suite! as its title suggests. It’s more about making yourself confident than tricking someone into falling in love with you (in 90 minutes or less!). But why 90 minutes? Why not 114 minutes? Or 58 minutes? Or 1 minute? And all that stuff that people say about cultivating a relationship over time and actively making it work? I guess this book would call that stuff a bunch of malarkey.

How to Be a Totally Awesome Zombie by Melody Litton (CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (2013)

How to Be a Totally Awesome Zombie by Melody Litton (CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (2013)

Ok, so the zombie apocalypse is coming someday- are you prepared??? I mean, don’t you want to be the very best zombie that you can be? There will be plenty of zombies around, and you don’t want to blend in with that same tired look of blood and brains and ripped clothing. Let this book help you get your zombie game on.

How to Get a Date With a Vampire (And What to Do With Him Once You've Got Him) by Kiki Olson (Contemporary Books, 1992)

How to Get a Date With a Vampire (And What to Do With Him Once You’ve Got Him) by Kiki Olson (Contemporary Books, 1992)

This how-to promises to teach you how to really “sink your teeth into” a relationship with a vampire (eye-roll, eye-roll, eye-roll). (Did I mention that bad puns drive me insane?) Anyway, if you’ve ever been madly in love with a vampire, or you wished that YOU could have hung out in Dracula’s castle, this is most certainly the book for you. I guess a “mwah ha ha” is in order here.

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