New Year’s Resolutions for Superheroes
We’re winding down to the end of the year, and for some people, that means New Year’s resolutions. For a lot of you reading this, it means bookish resolutions: to read more, to read more diversely, to take on Book Riot’s 2024 Read Harder challenge, etc. For me personally, I’m going to try to give myself permission to DNF more frequently rather than brute forcing my way through books I’m not enjoying just to say I did it. (I expect to fail this one pretty badly. What can I say? I know myself.)
But you know who should really be making New Year’s resolutions? Superheroes. Now, obviously, superheroes spend a lot of their time doing all the virtuous things we resolve to do every January, like taking risks and giving back to their communities. But they also have a lot of bad habits they really should work on, like lying to their loved ones, not practicing good self-care, lying to their loved ones, repressing trauma rather than dealing with it, and lying to their loved ones.
Superheroes have given me a lot of inspiration over the years, so in the interest of turnabout being fair play, I’ve suggested New Year’s resolutions for some of the capes and tights set below. Maybe some of these ideas will inspire you! (But honestly, I really hope not.)
Superman: Considering that we’ve recently seen Jon Kent be jealous of the Supertwins, Conner Kent be jealous of Jon, Power Girl be jealous of Supergirl, and Supergirl be jealous of Power Girl, I think someone needs to remind his extended family that they are all loved and valued as individuals.
Cyclops: Take up bullet journaling. Nope, everything is terrible. Try to beat the murder rap first, and then maybe we can think about 2024.
Kamala Khan: Welcome to the mutant community! You should learn more about what it means to have the X-gene! No, seriously…you need to learn this quickly. Things are bad. (See above re: Cyclops.)
The Flash: Maybe, uh…take a break from movies for a while.
Blue Beetle: Continue doing the opposite of the Flash in all things. Make ten more movies! You’re unstoppable!
Spider-Man (Miles Morales): MAKE EVEN MORE MOVIES THAN THAT. (But at a manageable pace that is ethical to ask of your animators. Yes, even though the last one ended on a cliffhanger. I’ll wait forever for you, Miles.)
Spider-Gwen: No more missing band practice. No, wait, no point making resolutions that are doomed to fail. Try to make at least 50% of scheduled band practices in 2024. …Okay, fine, 25%.
Batman: Stop letting the smaller, meaner, purple-er Batman inside your head tell you what to do. (This is why everyone says Batman is a more relatable hero than Superman. Who hasn’t made this resolution before?)
Alfred Pennyworth: Stop enabling your family’s bad decisions. Okay, come back to life first, and then stop enabling your family’s bad decisions.
Selina Kyle: Okay, the Selina Kyle Center for Criminals Who Can’t Steal Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too was a bust, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep training cat burglars! Mostly because it makes Batman mad, and that’s very funny. I say keep the crime boss thing going. Come on, Selina, lean in!
Hulk: Don’t smash.
Jeff the Land Shark: Don’t change a thing; you’re perfect.
Wonder Woman: I would never encourage anyone to keep absolutely trashing the (fictional) US military and intelligence operatives. At least, not in print.
Spider-Man (Peter Parker): Listen, I know you’re not going to go to therapy, and you know you’re not going to go to therapy, but I have to at least suggest it every year.
Daredevil: See up there? What I said to Peter? Quadruple that.
Shazam: Listen more to talking tigers, listen less to talking gorillas, and pay more attention in math class.
Aquaman: Don’t feel bad if your movie bombs. I mean, maybe it won’t! You know what, let’s change this resolution to “think positive.” Ahem.
Captain America: Yeah, I know. 2024 is an election year. I think you can skip the resolution this time around; you’ve got enough on your plate.
Punisher: Don’t be ridiculous. The Punisher doesn’t do New Year’s resolutions.
What about you, dear reader? Are you going to resolve to wield your great power with great responsibility? Are you going to add more comics to your TBR? Maybe you’ll just let a comic book character inspire you to whatever your non-reading resolution is, like running a marathon (Flash), taking the LSAT (Daredevil), or winning a Pulitzer (Lois Lane). (Hey, someone’s gotta win it! Why not you?)
Whatever your resolution, you’ve got a much better chance of sticking to it than like 90% of the heroes up there. You got this, friends. Happy New Year, and Excelsior!
