Your Email Exchange with Ignatius J. Reilly

February 23, 12:28 pm

Dear Mr. Philip Sir, 

I presume that Philip is your full given name, and I see no reason why you would not make use of it in its entirety. Your employers at the law office you speak of may look for convenient and plentiful ways to belittle you and offend your status of personhood rather than coghood, but I suggest you do everything in your power to resist their urging of you towards your own diminishment.

Philip, please do not impart upon me the same offense you have suffered from your own hand. You must not sink me to the levels of the depraved and vulgar internet fools who recall themselves by the most repugnant of titles, I believe they are sometimes called “handles.”

Sincerely,

Ignatius J. Reilly.

February 30, 3:47 pm

Dear Ignatius, 

I am so sorry to have offended you. I am truly such a big fan — anything that I said, I swear it was not intentional. What do you mean by “recall themselves by the most repugnant of titles”?

-Philip

February 30, 4:01 pm

Dear Sir,

I see that my effort at acknowledging your error with largesse has had the unfortunate consequence of making it go unremedied. In a manner even you, who seem to be at mental and moral disadvantage, can understand: you must pay me the respect due by calling me by my full moniker — Ignatius J. Reilly — if you wish to continue communicating. Mother calls me “Ignatius” and do not get me started on her behavior of late. Suffice it to say that you should not feel flattered at being compared to her as she exists at this present time. The charlatans she deems to associate with! If you would like to continue corresponding, please make the necessary corrections in salutation.

Sincerely,

Ignatius J. Reilly

March 5, 9:07 AM

Dear Ignatius J. Reilly, 

Apologies — I’m used to being a little more informal over email. Just another way that our employers diminish us, eh? The other day, my boss started an email like this: “Hey bud.”

Sincerely,

Philip

March 5, 10:04 AM

Dear Philip Sir,

Bud! Horrors! I am delighted we have established the proper tone. You may continue to correspond with me if you feel it exalts you in some way. You should not always expect to hear from me in an expedient fashion. I am working on a lengthy indictment of the 21st century, and this “electronic mail” is my first target. What could be more insulting to us working boys than to have our attention demanded at all hours of the day and night by these electronic notifications informing us that we have received correspondence from someone who has acquired our address through often unsavory means. Someone once posted my electronic mail address to a website entitled “asshats.com.” I should perhaps refer myself to your “law office” in order to receive adequate and past due compensation for the many medical visitations necessitated by someone’s vicious instinct to make public my personal address. Each time I opened those electronic messages from visitors to “asshat.com,” my valve would slam shut. Often, I had to miss a week of work simply due to the indignities rendered upon me by my valve. Though I was not pleased with your overly familiar tone, I must say that I was relieved to receive an electronic mail from someone who, in fact, seems to have read my work and not someone simply mocking the photo of me with my hot dog cart posted to “asshats.com” I cannot imagine the undesirables who are visiting such a website on a regular basis, but I will say that such depraved specimens surely could not comprehend the scope of my own project which does sometimes indeed involve rendezvousing with a hot dog distribution carriage.

I would continue, dear Philip, but my hands have at this moment been seized by a malady which has rendered them frozen into the claw-like shapes this personal computer keyboard forces them to contort into. I am now typing this missive with one finger, and if I do not stop soon, I shall miss my lunch, which does atrocious things to my valve. I believe I hear Mother creating a cheese dip.

Sincerely,

Ignatius J. Reilly

March 9, 4:18 pm

Dear Ignatius J. Reilly,

I hope your hands are feeling better. I know what you mean — sometimes my hands start cramping, trying to hold all of the files upright to squeeze one more small file into the cabinet. Maybe you should get a hand brace if you’re going to be doing so much typing on your indictment.

Sincerely,

Philip

March 11, 7:13 pm

Dear Philip Sir,

I have taken you up on your suggestion of a hand brace, and I am at this moment wearing two large braces on each of my hands. My movement is a bit limited, but I do believe that this method shows promise. In fact, I have taken a leave of absence from my current profession as a lipstick tester due to the condition of my hands. My hands were so immobilized by these braces that I could not get the weighty door of my current employer homebase open, it being a “pull” and not a “push,” a completely inconceivable choice that upsets my valve daily. The secretary saw me struggling, and I could see the horror on her face that I was expected to appear and do my job as if I was unafflicted. I had already arrived one hour late due to the difficulties of navigating the public transportation system with my large braces on. Therefore, I took her cue and recused myself from work for the rest of the day and now week. I find that giving oneself adequate breaks and absences from work improves one’s efficiency upon return. It is important to be well-rested.

Sincerely,

Ignatius J. Reilly