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Book Blurbs That Did Not Make the Jacket

"A literary tour de force that is literary and forceful." When it came time to design the book jacket, these blurbs did not make the cut.

Vivienne Woodward

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Vivienne Woodward lives in Philly and works as the events coordinator for an indie bookstore. She can often be found drinking too much coffee in the sunny spot on her couch and over-identifying with fictional characters. She enjoys collecting hobbies, dancing to radio pop, and rearranging the book stacks on her side tables.

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When it came time to design the book jacket, these blurbs did not make the cut.

“This literary tour de force was so literary and so forceful that I 1) did not understand a word of it and 2) could not physically put it down on the bottom tier of my bookshelf for fear of throwing my back out.”

—Famous Author of Novels That Get Turned Into TV Shows

Book blurbs: love 'em or hate 'em, they're part of a book's jacket. Here are some of the book blurbs that, well, did not make the jacket. humor | book blurbs | books | bookish habits

“Once in a while a novel arrives at the exact moment it is needed in the political conversation. Vital. Important. Crucial. A literary tour de force! I have never read about a tornado described in such gorgeous, mesmerizing prose.”

—Writer Hoping for a Book Deal

“It’s so good… I just, I couldn’t believe how good. It was so good it would make your mom’s lasagna look okay. I mean it is capital G good.”

—Someone Famous for Something That is Not Writing

“This author is one of the smartest people I know. A new voice that is not to be missed. Pay attention. This is what a Great American Novelist looks like. Actually can you put this under ‘Praise for the Author?’ I did not read this book.”

—Well Known Author of Well Known Novels Who Is on Every Book Panel

via GIPHY

“My son asked me to write something cute and gently deprecating for his book jacket, but he failed to define ‘deprecating’ for me. And what’s a book jacket?”

—The Author’s Dad

“One of the finest writers of a generation of, frankly, subpar writers.”

—A NYT-Bestselling Author No One Remembers

“This book is wickedly funny and also possesses a quiet confidence. I personally could not find the confidence—that’s how quiet it is. You can probably only hear it if you’re under 30.

—Former Owner of a Chain Bookstore Franchise

“My agent asked me to provide a blurb for this book and I’m really hoping she’ll give me a three-year extension on my manuscript if I keep doing her favors. Here’s the blurb: Bravo! Tour de force!”

—Novelist

“[Clapping Emoji][Clapping Emoji][Clapping Emoji]”

—20-Year Old Author/Prodigy

“I sure hope this fucking book sells because my sales rep convinced me to pre-order 100 nonreturnable at BEA.”

—Bookseller