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We Rate (Fictional) Dogs

Taking inspiration from the We Rate Dogs Twitter account: ratings of fictional doggos. Including CUJO.

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Ashley Bowen

Staff Writer

Ashley Bowen earned a PhD in American Studies and Public Humanities in December 2016. Her research focuses on the history of health, medicine, and social services in the period from the American Civil War to World War I. When she isn't feeling existential angst about finishing her dissertation, she works as a part-time bookseller and plans adventures as a field agent for Atlas Obscura. A Texas native now living in Washington, DC, she has been known to travel long distances for a proper breakfast taco and Dr. Pepper. Her writing appears on Book Riot, Atlas Obscura, museum blogs, and in various "serious" academic journals. Twitter: @aebowenPhD

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Matt Nelson, the dude behind the fantastic We Rate Dogs Twitter account, has a book coming out later this year and I am HECKIN’ EXCITED. To keep my joy in check, I’ve channeled Nelson and tried to rate some fictional doggos and puppers. Spoiler: they’re good dogs, Brent.

Call Of The Wild cover

Meet Buck, star of The Call of the Wild by Jack London. He just joined Ancestry.com and is finding his heckin’ roots. Inspirational af. Would pet with extreme caution. 14/10

This is Strider, he hits the gym every day. Gives the absolute best pup talks before a race. Motivational af. That’s why he’s the star of Beverly Cleary’s Strider. Would pet quickly. 11/10

Chet and Bernie Cover

Chet wants to be the next Derglock Holmes. Wants Benedict Cumberpup to play him in movies based on the Chet and Bernie books. Already practicing his red carpet strut. Would pet dreamily. 13/10

Where's Spot cover

This is Spot, the missing star of Where’s Spot? by Eric Hill. World class hide-and-seek player, medaled in last Olympics. Will reveal his location for Milkbones. Would pet if I only I could find him. 15/10

Meet Old Yeller, star pupper of Old Yeller by Fred Gipson. Bad singer, can’t dance, but loyal af.  Doesn’t even mind how much he has to do to win your heckin’ love. Utterly selfless doggo. Would pet through tears. 18/10

Cujo cover

Cujo, titular doggo of Stephen King’s Cujo, is the poster pup for the rabies vaccine. Curiosity doesn’t just kill cats, Cujo. Please talk to your pupper about rabies. Want to pet but should not. 11/10

We Rate Dogs coverYou can pre-order #WeRateDogs: The Most Adorable and Hilarious Pups You’ve Ever Seen now but it doesn’t come out until October. This is not a sponsored post, I genuinely love that Twitter account. It’s something I’ve been clinging to with all the terrible swirling around us. So, go read all the archives of @Dog_Rates on Twitter and bring some joy into your day. (Note: if Twitter isn’t your thing, they’re also on Facebook and Instagram).