Comics/Graphic Novels

Sixteen MORE Things Calvin and Hobbes Said Better Than Anyone Else

Edd McCracken

Staff Writer

Edd McCracken lives in Scotland, dislikes book spine breakers and loves when small words harmonise to make big ideas. Follow him on Twitter:  @EddMcCracken

It seems a lot of people have a lot of love for Calvin and Hobbes. When I compiled the first list back in the heady days of February, it was a bit of a throwaway post, a lazy bit of filler before I crafted something deeply insightful about the world of literature.

Twenty-five thousand ‘likes’ on facebook later, it turns out standing on the shoulders of giants, or at the very least the shoulders of a six-year-old boy and his imaginary tiger, is a much better way to get yourself heard. I just hope that all those who started following me on Twitter after that post have been equally enamoured by tweets about Irish rugby and the Higgs boson.

So here, for your delectation, is the sequel. We just hope that somewhere out there Bill Watterson knows how loved and missed his creations are. This is as good as any literature to write about.

Once more, enjoy.

On the secret of immortality: combine predestination with procrastination

Calvin: God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.

On the perfect response to life’s most imperfect explanation

Calvin’s Dad: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.
Calvin: I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favour?

On why water balloon fights should be compulsory after retirement

Calvin: My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I’m so young.

On why most super geniuses end up Bond villains with thermonuclear devices

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

On something we’ve all thought when confronted with an udder

Calvin: Who was the first guy that look at a cow and said, “I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?”

On mankind’s abusive relationship with nature’s wonder

Hobbes: If people could put rainbows in zoos, they’d do it.

On science’s next big adventure

Calvin: In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

On the ennui felt by those who long to get their morning coffee from Central Perk

Calvin: Why isn’t my life like a situation comedy? Why don’t I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren’t my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don’t my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well-being when I have problems?… I gotta get my life some writers.

On the surprising similarities between principles and the New Year sales

Calvin: I don’t know which is worse: that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.

On why we can’t gift wrap people

Hobbes: The best presents don’t come in boxes.

On why the Tea Party movement, like charity, begins at home

Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia I’ll bet there’s a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he’s heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I’d like to meet that little boy… and tell him the awful TRUTH!

Calvin’s Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.

On why history is not so much written by the victors, as rewritten by losers

Calvin: History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That’s why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.

On why men’s definition of love hardly varies between six and 60

Calvin: If mom and dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red night time vision goggles.

On the unexpected correlation between condiments and contentment

Calvin: If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life.

On why ‘edutainment’ is offensive to the human spirit and the English language

Calvin: Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.

On the truth, again

Calvin: Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.