7 Reviews of Classic Literature (by a 6-month-old)

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Brenna Clarke Gray

Staff Writer

Part muppet and part college faculty member, Brenna Clarke Gray holds a PhD in Canadian Literature while simultaneously holding two cats named Chaucer and Swift. It's a juggling act. Raised in small-town Ontario, Brenna has since been transported by school to the Atlantic provinces and by work to the Vancouver area, where she now lives with her stylish cyclist/webgeek husband and the aforementioned cats. When not posing by day as a forserious academic, she can be found painting her nails and watching Degrassi (through the critical lens of awesomeness). She posts about graphic narratives at Graphixia, and occasionally she remembers to update her own blog, Not That Kind of Doctor. Blog: Not That Kind of Doctor Twitter: @brennacgray

baby reading books

Portrait of the reviewer hard at work.

Hello. Usually it’s my mummy who writes for this site, but now that I am six months old it’s time I start contributing to the intellectual health of my family. As such, I have begun reviewing classic works of literature in between diaper changes (and sometimes during, depending on the book).

Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger

This book tasted terrible. I ate three pages before I realized I hated it. Then I screamed at my mummy for letting me eat it. She says that if I turn out like Holden Caulfield she’s going to leave me in the woods. I don’t know what that means but I give this book zero stars for tasting terrible.

The Count of Monte Crisco by Alexandre Dumas

I don’t know how to count yet, but I will probably be able to count soon because everyone says I’m really smart. A whole book about counting must be really good, so I give this book five stars.

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

This book is fun because it’s really heavy and when I pull it off the bookshelf it makes a very loud noise that makes my mummy jump. Also I have a stuffed lion named Leo so that’s the same. Mummy says no one has ever actually read this book and everyone is just pretending. I like pretending so I give this book five stars.

Hamlet by William Shakespeare

This book made me mad because when I tried to rip out the first ten pages my mummy got upset and put the book where I can’t reach it. She says it’s the greatest play ever written but I think the greatest thing to play with is an empty measuring cup so I give this book zero stars for not being a measuring cup.

Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery

This is my mummy’s favourite book and one time I caught her trying to read it when she was supposed to be paying attention to me so I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and then I got tired and fell asleep. I slept so long that I got really hungry so then I was mad again, so I give this book zero stars.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

I go to swimming lessons and I’m the littlest one in my class and my mummy says I should have pride for learning to swim but when I pushed this book into the sink full of water when I was in my highchair helping her make dinner she was mad so I give this book zero stars for hypocrisy.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

My mummy says ducks are a type of bird and I like the ducks who live in the pond in our neighbourhood. I don’t know if mockingbirds are the same as ducks but if they’re pretty much the same then I give this book five stars. I give zero stars to Go Set a Watchman though because my mummy says the book was published when Ms Lee was tired and I don’t like anyone making me do anything when I’m tired and I bet she didn’t either.

I am happy to review more books for you, but now I have to have a bath and go to bed. My bedtime story is called Kitten’s First Full Moon and it’s way better than all of these books, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but none of the books I mentioned even have pictures. Classic writers were obviously very lazy.

Night night.