So you want to read more books to beat Becky in the Goodreads challenge. She’s beaten you every year, but not this year. BECKY IS GOING DOWN. I mean *cough cough* the joy of reading beckons.
1. Do not engage in the news at all; in fact, find a hobbit hole and unplug all TVs and never look on the internet so you don’t distract yourself with real life. Engaging with reality will often make it hard to read, so don’t.
2. Never have any kind of personal crisis. Eat kale and drink kombucha until your body is full of so many healthy things that you are exploding with positive reading energy and you are literally just osmosising books into your brain space with the power of all your solid life choices and lack of chaos. Be sure to tell seven other people about all of your good life choices and how many books you have read.
3. If real life people want to spend time with you, laugh from your fort of books and say no. Dig in and cover yourself with more while you finish Crime and Punishment. Oh, you do have fun.
4. Never join a book club. Just trust on me this. You are your own book club. They’ll just slow you down as you Mad Max your way across literature. If needed, you can post WITNESS ME to Instagram.
5. Listen to audiobooks on 5x speed. You are now past the point of sound. You are one with the books and they are one with you. It’s like being in a wind tunnel, but of words.
6. The only fun thing you can now do is read. TV IS FOR WEAKLINGS. You are entering the CrossFit of reading. SEVENTEEN MORE REPS OF INFINITE JEST.
7. If you must go outside, bring 17 books with you to wall yourself off from the sun. Read three at the same time while listening to an audiobook. You are large. You contain multitudes.
8. For more dedicated reading time, quit your job. Stay home and make money by doing dark magics when you absolutely need to pay bills. YOUR JOB IS READING. All other things will pass away, like dust in the proverbial whatever.
9. Sleep is for the weak. Who needs sleep when you can tape your eyes open. If you must fall asleep *HUMANS* surround your bed with books so you feel their presence and words while your body rests, and make sure you keep one in front of your face so when you open your eyes you can immediately start reading. If you need glasses, buy large print.
10. When you go to the bookstore, unhinge your jaw and swallow books whole. Who needs reading? You are now a creature of books, whose only goal in life is to devour as many as possible. You feel the words on the way down. Make sure to pay, though. It is so rude to dine and dash.
***Book Riot does not condone any of these actions, and in fact would like to take the time to have their lawyer to tell you that you can do whatever you want with your life, and read as much or as little as you want, because it’s your life, champer damper, and you should enjoy it.***