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If Literary Classics Were Episodes of Jerry Springer: A Quiz

Susie Rodarme

Staff Writer

Susie Rodarme is obsessed with small press literary fiction and tea. Other notable skills: chainmaille weaving, using Photoshop semi-correctly, and drinking gin.

One of the things that moves literature is drama–and who’s the king of drama? You might say Shakespeare, Sophocles, or Williams, but that would be overlooking one very obvious answer.

Identify these literary classics based on their Jerry Springer interpretations, and click here for answers:



Wife: He’s been running around with some basic bitch and doesn’t even care if anybody knows about it!

Husband: At least I’m not screwing some country bumpkin bootlegger!

Jerry: You spend a lot of time partying. Is this something that interferes with your relationship?

Wife and Husband: Whatever.

Sassy Audience Lady: WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS WHO IS TAKING CARE OF YOUR BABY! Y’all got a baby at home, what’s WRONG with you!

Audience: (cheers)



Jerry: So, let me get this straight. Your first two husbands died. You’re already married again. You’ve had three babies by three different men.

Woman: That’s right.

Jerry: But you have a secret.

Husband: What secret?

Woman: (shoots Jerry an evil look)

Jerry: Isn’t it true that you’re in love with your sister-in-law’s husband and have been trying to win him over for years?

Husband: WHAT. No, [bleep] you, we are so [bleep] over.



Teen: I got kicked out of school. Again.

Jerry: Why do you think you keep getting kicked out?

Teen: Dunno. Everything mostly sucks. People suck. Life kind of sucks.

Jerry: Why did you get kicked out this time?

Teen: (shrugs) Grades, or something, I don’t know.

Jerry: Is it true that after you got kicked out, you were drinking, cavorting with older women, and you tried to hire a prostitute?

Audience: (gasps)

Teen: Yeah. They serve me at bars. I think it’s on account of my gray hair.



Jerry: I think your son has something he wants to tell you.

Man: What is it, son?

Son: I know you cheated on mom when you were going away on business trips!

Audience: (gets rowdy)

Man: (stunned)

Son: You’re the reason I’m like this! You’re the reason I can’t succeed at anything!

Man: FINE. I’m just gonna go kill myself now because I’m totally worthless. (dies dramatically)



Jerry: So. You two are cousins.

Man: mm-hmm.

Jerry: You didn’t see any problem with that when you got married?

Man: Nope.

Woman: NOPE?! I didn’t even want to have sex with you, I thought it was wrong. Now look how our kids turned out!

Audience: oooooooohhhhhh

Woman: One of our sons abandoned his pregnant wife to run off with a gypsy woman, and the other one likes little girls. I thought they would be born with pigs’ tails, but this is worse!

Sassy Audience Lady: Girl, you gotta kick him to the curb!

Woman: Pfft. Without me, this family would fall apart.



Jerry: So you were abandoned by both of your parents and raised by your grandparents.

Girl: Yeah.

Jerry: And one of your uncles committed suicide.

Girl: Yep.

Jerry: So what happened when you ran away?

Girl: I found out one of my uncles was stealing money from me, so I stole it all back and got the [bleep] out of there.

Jerry: Speaking of uncles–


Girl: IT WAS MY MONEY, [BLEEP]FACE! (flips him a double bird)

Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!


What other books would make juicy episodes of Springer? Tell us in the comments!