Keep Your E-Reader, Ditch the Fancy Contacts

Yeah, I know that it’s the end of the 21st century, and I’m aware that a new technology exists in the world of books, but I. Don’t. Care.

So you can take your fancy-schmancy Book Contacts that come loaded with millions of books and that weigh approximately nothing and stick ’em where the sun don’t shine because you’ll have to pry my e-reader out of my cold, dead hands thank you very much.

I mean, why would I want to mess with putting a thin piece of glass in my eye that could easily fall out and get stepped on when I can feel the heft of my e-reader in my hand and smell the delicious plastic and glass aroma when I bring it up to my face??! And what would I put on my shelf if I didn’t have an e-reader? It would look so empty, that shelf. I like when people see my e-reader sitting there, and think about how well-read and cultured I am. Plus, I don’t really feel like I’m reading if I don’t have that tangible device in my hand. Something in my eye, though? Puh-lease.

Also, all of you with the fancy contacts make me nervous. For example, I was riding the levitating bus the other day and looked over to see a row of people blinking and squinting and twitching their eyes at what seemed like nothing at all. And then it hit me: they were manipulating their contacts to read their books or magazines. It was WEIRD. All that blinking and squinting and twitching makes me want to jump out of my skin, guys. Plus it’s just freaky, and makes me wonder if you can even concentrate, reading like that.

Now, I can’t cite any specific studies but I’ve heard from, like, tons of people that when you read on an electronic device, you can concentrate better, remember more of the book, and even think about it more critically. When you read with those freaky contacts, though, you can’t do those things as well. But that’s just what I’ve heard.

So to all of you who say that the e-reader’s days are numbered, I say think again, because there are groups on Facebook called “E-readers Forever” and “Just Say No To Book Contacts,” so I know I’m not alone. And my Aunt Mabel still uses her e-reader and vows never to change. So there.