Welcome, user! You have been accepted into our exclusive suite of top tier eligible candidates, subcategory: literary. Within our hallowed algorithm, you will find the dating app profiles of some names you might recognize. I urge you to remember that these profiles are not laid out for you to ogle at, or repost to your Twitter followers for clout. These are real people with real hopes for love and it’s only your [monthly payment of $699.99 per month] that allows you access to their profiles. Do not be a tourist; be an animal!!!
Ignatius C. Reilly from A Confederacy of Dunces
I am not interested in the lives of the proletariat. I exist on a plane most humans cannot even conceive of. Any candidates must be well-versed in valve management. You may write me if you think our interests may align, but do be forewarned that I may not write you back as I am constantly busy attempting to make the world a tolerable place, pursuing my many intellectual interests, and working on my cheese dip. Must love hot dogs.
Stevens from The Remains of the Day
I am satisfied with the life I have led. I have led a most satisfactory life. I look back and there are moments that confound me, moments that stay on my mind. But I shan’t look back and wonder what if, I shall only take the precious time that is left to me and see what I might make of it. See if there might be something new up ahead, around that corner. If you might like to spend what remains of the day with me, please post me at your earliest convenience. I shall be waiting on a bench at the end of the road.
Protagonist, My Year of Rest and Relaxation
Exhausted. It’s a constant exercise in humiliation to be on this app and on this planet. You can message me. I might answer. I probably won’t. Working on myself.
Nick Carraway from The Great Gatsby
I have seen heartache and I hope to avoid the same. Beating on despite the current.
Ruth from Goodbye, Vitamin
I acknowledge that I am a deeply imperfect person and I may come with a bit of baggage. Trying to act my age, but life is coming at me fast.
Gandalf the Grey from The Lord of the Rings
Always asking how I can make the world a better place. Interests include friends :), adventures, bettering humankind (or whoever-kind), making (middle) Earth a safer place to live. Ambitious, some people say I work too much. Reach out if you want to see if we can make some magic together. DMs, texts, and butterfly messages are open.
Circe from Circe
Problem child and proud of it. I live on an island and am always happy to host. If you are looking for a strong woman, look no further. But be careful, I am not one to cross. 🙂 Sometimes lonely.
Candace from Severance
People have told me I have a knack for predicting the future. I make books and I like to take photos. Not interested in your religion. Living the simple life in Chicago. You might miss me if you don’t look closely.
Marianne from Normal People
Looking for a normal person and trying to become one myself. Looking for the life I am supposed to be living. (Connell, are you reading this? Please get in touch. I know we didn’t leave things very well last time we spoke.)
Mrs. Fletcher from Mrs. Fletcher
Trying to reconnect with the person I used to be. A new empty-nester looking to make the most of my new…space. Trying very hard to recognize my privilege, even though I sometimes forget haha! I believe that gender is a construct. She/her.
We hope you enjoyed this brief sampling of our dating app profiles! Did none of these users pique your interest? Boo 🙁 We strive for 100% success rate. May we suggest checking out our “top tier eligible candidates, subcategory: literary, subsubcategory: wedding dates,” if you wish to keep browsing?