Classic Authors I’d Date Based on Their Portrait

Alice Burton

Staff Writer

Chicagoan and aspiring cryptozoologist Alice Burton has a B.A. in Comparative Literature and is an Archives Assistant with the Frances Willard Historical Society. When not booking or historying, she is singing soprano wherever people will have her. She will watch any documentary on Neanderthals or giant extinct animals, and has a Stockholm Syndrome-like love for Chicago and its winters. Blog: Reading Rambo Twitter: @itsalicetime


Washington Irving PortraitWashington Irving

LOOK at that guy. Sleepy Hollow? More like Wide Awake All Night Talkin’ About His Sartorial Choices Hollow, amirite? Yeah I’m right. Would date for sure. Washington Irving didn’t age the best, but who among us other than Paul Rudd and Angela Bassett and a bunch of other people can say we have?



charlotte bronteCharlotte Bronte

I know. I get it. You’re like, are you sure? And YES. Because you know what her face has? Character. What’s clear from this portrait is she should tear off that frilly collar and immediately jump on a horse, but England being what it was at the time, well here we are with that horse passion thrown into Jane Eyre instead. Would date.



18th Century American Poet Phillis WheatleyPhillis Wheatley

I just looked at this picture to name something I love about it and my eye went to like five things. Mob cap! Awesome dress wrappy thing! Cool feather pen! Tiny book! Amazing use of Classic Thinky Pose! 10/10 would date.




George Gordon Lord ByronGeorge Gordon, Lord Byron

LOOK. I didn’t say Classic Authors I’d Date for a Long Time and Then Marry. Are you saying you wouldn’t go on a date with Lord Byron? Because I’m pretty sure if you do that that immediately becomes the most interesting thing about you (ignoring the main fact he’s been dead for 94 years). Anyway. He knew what he was up to in this portrait. He looks amazing. Would date.