Books Are Really Pathetic: Trump, Probably

Jamie Canaves

Contributing Editor

Jamie Canavés is the Tailored Book Recommendations coordinator and Unusual Suspects mystery newsletter writer–in case you’re wondering what you do with a Liberal Arts degree. She’s never met a beach she didn’t like, always says yes to dessert, loves ‘80s nostalgia, all forms of entertainment, and can hold a conversation using only gifs. You can definitely talk books with her on Litsy and Goodreads. Depending on social media’s stability maybe also Twitter and Bluesky.

The Trump monologue that must have followed as soon as he finished reading The Washington Post article “Donald Trump doesn’t read much. Being president probably wouldn’t change that.”:

Books are really pathetic. The paper is weak. Writers are terrible. They don’t have a clue. Really pathetic. And ebooks are dumb. Just stupid. Totally irrelevant. We should build a wall to keep all the books out. And I’m not paying a penny of that wall, I’m going to make the publishing industry pay for it. I mean who has time? Who cares. If you put a book on my desk and my face isn’t on the cover I’m going to push it off my desk.


I mean some of my best friends are books. Nothing personal. But they’re stupid. What’s the point. Just pathetic. And who are these people who read in public? It’s disgusting. How do you have time? These are just lowlifes who sit around reading. Why? It’s stupid. Waste of time.

I look at the cover and I get the gist. I know it. If you’re born with common sense–I have plenty–why read a book. The Cat in the Hat. Any idiot knows it’s a cat inside a hat. Why read that? I have things to do. Lord of the Flies. That’s so stupid. Flies are disgusting. Why would you want to be their lord? Kill them. That’s what you do with flies. Hire someone to buy Raid and kill them. Common sense. Who has time for this? I’m sure the blurb on the cover is all you need to know. *Pushes stack of books off desk.

And now that I’ve finished this Trump parody I think it’s important to end with a very important PSA from John Waters.

“We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.”

John Waters