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B-Side Bonanza: Gotham’s Glutes

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A few days ago, I made a promise. I said that if my home state of Pennsylvania went for Biden, I wouldn’t make a snarky comment about Philadelphia for an entire year. This is a tall order for someone residing in the western half of the state. I intend to keep that oath.

I also said if Pennsylvania went for Biden, I would write 800 words about Dick Grayson’s ass that would “make the 800 words I wrote about John Constantine’s butt look like an episode of The Wonder Years.”

Well, here we are.

And let’s be honest, this week, the “b” is less about about degree of fame than it is about “backside,” because Richard John Grayson’s butt has been the absolute star of many a comic panel and to give it any less credit would be a travesty.

So let’s have a little chat about the legendary cheeks that have yet to be bested by even the best intentioned of beefcake.

Secret Six Vol 3 (Issue 9): A Debt of Significant Blood

The Ur Ass

This 2009 incarnation of the Secret Six super villain team included Catman, Bane, Ragdoll, Deadshot, Scandal, and an original character named Jeanette who planned to wreak havoc in Gotham after (one of) Batman’s (several) death(s). Due to a series of odd events and misunderstandings, Bane and Catman find themselves on the hero side of the fence during an attempted kidnapping and discover they don’t actually hate it. Having somewhat less of a moral code than the (supposedly) fallen hero, however, the squad has no qualms about making certain the worse guys never hurt anyone again, necessitating a visitation from Nightwing—and he brings with him his greatest weapon (it’s…sort of attached).

And how could you possibly even consider doing crime when dat ass is right in front of your salad?

As this issue of Secret Six was written by Gail Simone and pencilled by Nicola Scott, they are considered the progenitrixes of this magnificent rear view (rearview? Either. Both). Was the crafting of these spectacular humps necessary? No. Do we thank whatever higher and/or lower powers that may exist everyday that two of the most talented women in comics opted to gift us with such perfect musculature and proportion? Yes. Yes, we do.

Juan and Jim: The Legend Continues

As my people say at Passover, it would have been enough. And yet, others did us the absolute favor of picking up the torch and making certain Grayson’s glutes did not lay fallow. No, they continued to shine at every opportunity and were done particular homage in several issues of Tim Seely, Tom King, Mikel Janín, Stephen Mooney, Roge Antonio, and Alvaro Martinez’s Grayson.

Assets aside, Grayson is a really fun book I highly recommend if you’re looking for some comics brain candy. In it, Bruce uses the appearance of Dick’s death (theme? Theme) to have him infiltrate a super-double-secret organization called Spyral. One of his duties, once he’s accepted, is to teach new high school aged recruits the ways of being sneaky-like, including…acrobatics. Because duh.

And good for Dick, making high school gym class enjoyable. I mean, think back. Gym was the suckiest of all high school suckitude even if you were so physically and intellectually gifted you were basically a superhero. And yes, if you’re wondering, some of the girls in the crowd are queer, but I think we can all agree that when a thing is perfect, it can be admired objectively:

Yes, Mister Grayson, we’re paying very close attention. Very close and specific attention.

We also discover that Dick’s assets are problematic in that they’re so gorgeously recognizable, they make it difficult for him to work effectively in his current batsignment as a double agent:

I mean, I don’t even think Apollo will mind. Were he with his on-again, off-again husband and forever-in-our-headcanons soulmate, he’d probably be ogling just as obviously.

The Anniversary Poster

Dick Grayson turned 80 back in March, and despite the shenanigans DC pulled with the whole head wound/memory loss/Ric thing that each and every single one of us hated as much as we hated Hydra Cap, we all agree Richard is one good looking octogenarian. The hair. The arms. The finger stripes.

And her highness Nicola Scott does it again, giving the butt that launched a thousand panels pride of place front and center.

Do you think Discowing ever imagined the mullet wouldn’t be his most recognizable feature?

Why the costume designers for Titans decided to go with the giant unwieldy codpiece over some decent padding on the back of the Nightwing suit, right under those perfectly set escrima stick sheaths, I will never understand…but it is for sure all of our losses.

But at least, as far as comics are concerned, wheresoever goeth Grayson, so followeth the real star of his story, the utter magnificence that is his derriere. Be it clad in spandex or leather, khakis or jeans, it may not be the ass we deserve, but it is, most certainly, the ass we need. Long may it reign.

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