As news broke last week that police had intercepted eleven pounds of marijuana headed to St. Martin’s Press from a pseudonymous Karen Wright, two fake Twitter feeds (@KarenWrightNYC and @KarenWright_SMP) appeared and reminded me how much fun the literary internet can be when we decide not to take ourselves so seriously. Greg’s first installment of this feature was awesome, and I couldn’t resist the opportunity to try my hand at imagining the fake bookish Twitter feeds I would run if I could magically add, like, nineteen more hours to the day. Here we go!
@MajorMajorMajorMajor — The unforgettable, absurdly-named main character in Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 was “born too late and too mediocre.” A bureaucratic office drone of the first order, Major Major Major Major faced a never-ending cycle of paperwork. Fast-forward him into the 21st century, show him Office Space, and give him a Twitter account to vent his frustrations, and you have the key ingredients to the endearingly boring kind of tweeter we all love to hate.
Sample tweet: Just 3,852 emails standing between me and Inbox Zero. Not too shabby for a Monday morning. #damnitfeelsgoodtobeamanager
@HoratioHolmes — Only half-bookish, this feed combines the personalities of pre-BBC-ified Sherlock Holmes and CSI Miami’s Horatio Caine. Blending Holmes’ deductive reasoning skills with Caine’s ability to, uh, state the obvious while putting on his sunglasses, @HoratioHolmes ponders the mysteries of the literary world.
Sample tweet: Who sent that weed to St. Martin’s Press? ::rubs elbow patches:: This trail of Cheetos looks like something… ::puts on shades::
@DeadSkippy — The titular character of Paul Murray’s superfantastic Skippy Dies kicks the bucket at age 14 on the floor of a donut shop (and writes his dying words in donut jelly, natch). This Twitter accounts brings us his messages–a mix of adolescent humor and mysticism–from beyond the grave.
Sample tweet: You guys, there are mermaids in heaven. Mermaids! AND THEY TOTALLY HAVE LADY-PARTS. Also: just met the Weasley brothers. #fartjokegoeshere
@AskDrToni — If you’re not following octogenarian sexpert Dr. Ruth Westheimer on Twitter, you’re missing out on all kinds of unintentional hilarity and unexpectedly useful advice. Modeled on Dr. Ruth, this account pulls Morrison quotes out of context to provide motivation and life advice.
Sample tweet: You say you’re bored? “You got a life? Live it! Live the motherfuckin life! Live it!”[NB: the above quote (from Song of Solomon) bears an uncanny resemblance to the words of inspiration that fill the feed of former New Kid on the Block Donnie Wahlberg, who greets each day with a hearty “Rise and grind!”]
@WilliamCarlosKaling — Comedienne Mindy Kaling makes high art of the mundane in her Twitter feed, so why not mash her up with actual high art?
Sample tweet: So much depends upon finding the right nail polish. These reds are all either like, “I’m a soccer mom,” or “I’m a skank.”
What imaginary Twitter feeds would you follow?