Have you ever read a book set in your hometown or geographic region? If so, you have likely, at a minimum, rolled your eyes at a description or two, or, if you’re like me, you have hollered at a book out loud as though it can hear you…because maybe it can?
Well, praise the world, we are not alone. Check out these snort-inducing takes on novelists’ misguided ideas of growing up in various parts of the world.
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN THE SOUTH: The heat hung like molasses in the air as we headed to the pond. We set down our poles, stripped down to our under stuff, and jumped on in.
MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN THE SOUTH: got called gay for crying during “Hardball” again today
— Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) January 28, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN THE MIDWEST: Butter from my corn dripped onto the gingham picnic cloth like drops of sunlight
MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN THE MIDWEST: the hawks left a half-eaten squirrel in the yard but it's surrounded by insane wild turkeys so I guess it stays
— a disgruntled pelican (@adspexi) January 28, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN SOUTHER CALIFORNIA: The surf pounded the beach. The locals were getting out their boards for another day of shredding against some awesome swells.
MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Stuck in traffic and there's no place to park.
— San Diego Cinerama (@sdcinerama) January 28, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN APPALACHIA: We were so gorshdang poor, but Meemaw always found a way to keep our bellies full of squirrel pie & oxycontin
ACTUAL CHILDHOOD: My Meemaw is a nice Italian lady who bakes 1000 cookies every christmas and calls laundry a “warsher”
— dusty rose (@singeddryad) January 28, 2020
NOVELISTS ON LIFE IN CANADA: It was a quaint life – all toques and toboggans, eating maple syrup off snow and being kind.
ACTUAL LIFE IN CANADA: It was a quaint life – all toques and toboggans, eating maple syrup off snow and being kind, and viscously mocking Americans.
— Hannah is drafting 🔥🗡🗻 (@hannah_m_long) January 29, 2020
Novelists writing about FL: The salt spray misted the beach as the pastel sunset turned the Gulf purple.
REALITY: Red tide gags you. Motherfucking LOVEBUGS. Snowbird season. GD LOVEBUGS. AGAIN. Hurricane season. LOVEBUGS. Repeat. PUBLIX CHICKEN. Park in the shade.
— Tymber (with a Y) Dalton 📚🦖🦕 (@TymberDalton) January 29, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABT GROWING UP IN NEVADA:
Janet spit her tooth into the last sips of miller highlife and whispered “you can’t own the sky, boy.” A tumbleweed bounced past the brothel's open door and into the vast barren valley.
ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN NEVADA:
It was a budweiser
— Van Sounds (@Van_Sounds) January 29, 2020
novelists writing about growing up in the midwest: [crickets]
my actual childhood in the midwest: [cicadas]
— larn (@vaginaspektor) January 28, 2020
IDEAL MASSACHUSETTS: He stood on Plymouth Rock, soaking in the rich history of his forefathers as the salty breeze carried the tangy smell of clams.
IRL MASSACHUSETTS: A man in a Patriots hoodie is yelling racial slurs because Dunkin’ Donuts ran out of hash browns.
— Mia Donahue (@MiaDonahue3) January 29, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT CANADIAN WINTER: As the flakes glittered from the heavens he could hear the crunch of snow under his boots and feel the crisp air cooling his lungs.
ACTUAL CANADIAN WINTER: "Sorry I'm late, my car doors were frozen shut."
— Mos Jef (@PanickedIdiot) January 29, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN NEW ORLEANS: She rushed out of her shotgun cottage at the sound of the Praline Woman's call, as a second-line parade approached
MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN NEW ORLEANS: I saw a drunk girl on the lakefront puke up a daiquiri
— Gail Delaughter (@Gail_HPM) January 30, 2020
WRITING ABOUT THE HUNTSVILLE, AL AREA: Bubba was toothless, illiterate & wore overalls over a bare chest, but we knew he'd pound anyone who sassed him.
ACTUAL HUNTSVILLE AREA: 1/2 the ppl here are literal rocket scientists, but we still have a team called the "Trash Pandas" 😩
— Chelsea🌹🖤 #Bernie2020✌🏼🔥🤗 (@kelz3108) January 30, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN ENGLAD: the sun beamed through my lace curtains, as i pulled them back to reveal the slumbered streets of my village.
ACTUAL ENGLISH CHILDHOOD: the corner shop ran out of freddos and the scary statue bloke in town hissed at me again, twat
— sofia.genco (@genco_sofia) January 29, 2020
Oh, okay, okay.
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT MINNESOTA: Icicles glittered from the trees as the wind whipped the snow into tiny cyclones.
ACTUAL MINNESOTA: Dammit, which side of the street can I park on today? Oh, well. Best wrap this heating pad around the water pipe.
— Steven Brust, pjf (@StevenBrust) January 29, 2020
WRITTEN NORTHERN NORWAY: She stood by the shore, looking for the fishing boats on the horizon. The chill winds made her pull her wool shawl closer around her shoulders.
ACTUAL NORTHERN NORWAY: was late for school because a moose and calf was in my yard. Everyone laughed.
— Majka (@majken_aune) January 29, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT SCOTLAND: "Och aye yer a bonnie lass," Hamish said, kilt blowing in the breeze, the haunting sound of bagpipes in the distance.
MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD: Skater kids wearing baggy jeans drinking bucky at the park. Some dude named Chris throws up in a bush.
— Alanna (@AliHeartsBooks) January 29, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN NEW ORLEANS: Jazz music wafts from Jackson Square as I sit at a patio table outside Cafe du Monde.
MY ACTUAL TEENAGE-HOOD IN NEW ORLEANS: My shift manager at Popeye's stole my wallet, the canal stinks, and there's a lizard in my bedroom
— Jenifer Tidwell 🌿 (@jenifer_tidwell) January 29, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN NYC: With Sinatra playing faintly in the background, we snuck into Yankee Stadium and saw the magic
MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN NYC: The super kicked us out of the stairwell so now we're drinking on someone's stoop. It is 19°
— Bartókian Nightmare (@BartokianN) January 29, 2020
NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT GROWING UP IN TX: Buck rode his horse across the vast West Texas plain, the scent of bluebonnets in the air, a juicy Whataburger in his hand.
MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN TX: I got stung by fire ants and a truck hit a skunk in front of the house again.
— Danny Wier (@DaWierComposer) January 30, 2020
CT CHILDHOOD IN NOVELS: I went down to the beach at sunset and breathed in the salt tang of the air. The serenity of the shore stole over my heart.
CT CHILDHOOD IRL: bout to murder all these summer people who can't drive and vote no on the budget every goddamn year.
— Belle Chanson, Lipstick Witch (@ekp0717) January 30, 2020