Fancy Bookshelves For When We All Become Millionaires

I’m not rich. I don’t really want to be rich because I’m lousy at figuring out things to do with money, aside from buying more books and also fancy bookshelves because our books really can’t go on the floor anymore. What happens if the toilet overflows?

But if I WERE a millionaire, I could spend most of my money on ridiculous, impractical, truly, honestly fancy bookshelves that cost thousands of dollars and were clearly not designed by book people. Maybe I wouldn’t. But I would have that option! Book people construct shelving out of cinderblocks and two-by-sixes because we’re all librarians and freelance writers and indie bookstore operators and otherwise glorious creatives undervalued by our myopic money-obsessed capitalist hegemony. (In all seriousness, you don’t need to be a corporate crony to afford nice bookshelves.)

If we were millionaires, as would be right and proper, we’d fill our mansions with more of the same. (Cinderblocks, not myopic hegemonies.) However, fancy bookshelves exist and we have the divine right to vicariously enjoy them even as we sit amongst our DIY bookpunk shelving creations. So let’s vicariously enjoy them already!

Lexington Mirage Kelly Wall Bookcase

Ideal for Bond villains, swanky clothing stores trying to look smart, and collectors of bookends. There’s so much glass on this thing that you’re practically guaranteed that the hero will burst in and shout Now I’ve got you, Cherry Charlemagne! or whatever you call yourself, and then throw you into this furniture piece for a combination of product placement and dramatic shatter effect. There you go. This bookshelf just put you in a Marvel movie.

Lexington mirage bookcase

Empress Fretwork Etagere

Like a wedding cake that you can’t eat and which is full of holes, this bookshelf is white. That is the final word on its similarity to a wedding cake, except that not everybody uses white cakes nowadays. White’s boring! (Note to self: write a post about wedding cake books.) Long story short: this is a very white bookcase. There’s not much else to say about it, because look at this thing. It makes me twitch like a bridesmaid at a destination wedding that was supposed to be at Versailles but ended up at a Howard Johnson France where someone had just hung a ton of crepe.

Moving on.

Empress Fretwork Etagere

Vintage Wall Shelf

Vintage Wall Shelf? Really? That’s the best name they could do for this thing? How about Ikea goes to Narnia and discovers a new identity as a nymph? Lord only knows how you’d organize books on this thing. If you were a millionaire, you’d have one anyway. Maybe you’d use it to arrange your Lord of the Rings Funkos. (Oh come on. If you buy this bookshelf, you definitely have Lord of the Rings Funkos.) Good luck figuring out an organizing system!

Vintage Wall Shelf

BUBBA

I hope you like curves! This bookcase grooves. It moves. It owns a slide whistle and knows how to use it. Will it blend with your decor? NO! It definitely, defiantly will not. This bookcase is 1955 via 1973 via your dad. I want to be this bookcase when I grow up. I’ll have to settle for owning it once I strike gold in this here claim. That’s right: I have a Bookmyne.

You may fire when ready.

bubba bookshelf

 

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