Here are some things that I love: space, washed up rock ‘n rollers trying to make good (Craig Ferguson in I’ll Be There *praise hands*), saving the planet, David Bowie, hilarious aliens, some humans, and cats that can talk. Space Opera by Catherynne M. Valente checks off everything on this bizarre list. Absurd space humorists rejoice! Also, all the bonus points to Heath Miller’s narration for bringing that John-Oliver-on-a-rant vibe to my audiobook experience. So go give a good, loud listen to “Spaceball Ricochet” by T. Rex and glam it up with these Space Opera quotes while I go figure out what the aliens would appear as to me, fingers crossed it’s not Clippy.
Warning: there is sweariness up ahead.
“Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything pulses to a beat laid down by the Big Bang. Everything feels the drumline of creation from star to sex to song.”
“[U]nto every generation are born the lonely and the uncool, destined to forever stare into the candy-store window of their culture, and the loneliness is the mother of ascension. Only the uncool have the requisite alone time to advance their species”
“We save the world like motherfucking caped crusaders and the history books get printed in glitter from now on…”
“All our precontact simulations categorized you as a Down-to-Clown Unflappable Guy Who Can Handle This Sort of Thing No Problem with a high probability of Being Actually into It All the Way.”
“And HERETHERERIGHTTHISWAY is your recordingstateroomstudio for the remainderdurationremainderelevendays of the flight. I know you’ll want to get started right away writing the bassline of the total salvation of your species, so we’ve stuffed it full of anything we thought you might need. Please pull the eel in the lavatory if we missed anything.”
“Hello there, cutie! My name is Altonaut Who Runs Faster Than Wisdom Along the Milk Road, fourteenth Lyric of the Aaba Verse, and I’ll be your galactic liaison this afternoon! Can I tell you about our specials? As our appetizer tonight, we’ve got a totally scrumptious annihilation of everything you ever thought was true served on a bed of mashed anthropocentrism!”
“Hey there, I’m Clippy, your computer assistant. It looks like you’re trying to survive the night and not get slaughtered in the next 5 minutes like the miserably finite mortal organics you are. Would you like some fucking help?”
“Decibel Jones sighed and shook his head. Today was fired. Today was well and truly sacked. Today could, in point of fact, fuck all the way off.”