I became aware of the #secondcivilwarletters hashtag Tuesday after seeing several of my favorite authors’ contributions. If you didn’t catch it, the hashtag was a mocking response to a certain conspiracy theorist claiming democrats were planning to start the Second Civil War on July 4th. (Yes, I’m actively omitting his name and any links.)
These authors lent their storytelling chops to this hilarious hashtag!
Four score and seven years ago, our gender neutral parent figures brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in niceness, and dedicated to the proposition that Nazis should be renamed "the alt-right" and allowed to eat in restaurants. #secondcivilwarletters
— heidi (@heidiheilig) July 3, 2018
My dearest Agatha,
It has been a long & trying summer. The war has stretched on for all of 6hrs and will likely continue into the night. Please DVR Queer Eye. I do not know how much longer I walk. My Fitbit runs low and I fear I will lose count of my steps.#secondcivilwarletters
— Wesley Chu (@wes_chu) July 3, 2018
The always-awesome Beverly Jenkins continues to amaze by packing so much into her contribution.
Romance Writers have joined the war. Leading us are our vampires, werewolves, and shapeshifters. Behind us are kickass women wielding swords and witches with unlimited power. We’re cocky. We got this. Home by deadline.
— Beverly Jenkins (@authorMsBev) July 3, 2018
Sorry I haven't written. There's a two-prong offensive from 5th Drudge Report & 2nd InfoWars. Reinforcements from Snopes beat them back. Sure could use supplies from Cute station on Reddit Beach.
Your texts keep me going.
— Colin Milroy (@colinmilroy) July 3, 2018
Supplies of chocolate croissants at this Starbucks grow slim. I fear I shall be forced to travel several blocks to another Starbucks to get more.
Pray for me. #secondcivilwarletters
— Don Zolidis (@donzolidis) July 3, 2018
My Dearest Elijah,
This has been a terrible day. I faced one of the red hat’s officers at the Battle of Lewandowski Ridge and his last words haunt me. “Womp womp.”
— Maddie (@maddie_blake_) July 3, 2018
The enemy believes wearing #MAGA hats shields them from Trump's tariff fallout. Experiencing excessive thirst but will try and hold off so I can fully appreciate quenching it with all those MAGA tears. #SecondCivilWarLetters
— Kimberley Johnson (@AuthorKimberley) July 3, 2018
My Darling, After a stunning victory at Bowling Green our unit refueled with hot cups of Covfefe. We received our updates From General M. Obama via microwave, so we were prepared for the sea of MAGA hats & ill-fitting khakis. Why have they no tailors? #secondcivilwarletters
— Amanda Deibert 🏳️🌈 (@amandadeibert) July 3, 2018
I am a spy in the Red Hat stronghold – Cracker Barrel. I fight for freedom by replacing Sweet Tea with Unsweet Tea, use limes instead of lemons in their water and put salt in their grits instead of sugar. The confusion it creates is empowering.#secondcivilwarletters
— Adrienne Mishel 🍷💋📚❤️🦉 (@DrenzPen) July 3, 2018
Our Dearest Readers,
We trust you’ve heard of the turmoil belaboring our beloved industry. Come the dawn, we march against the anti-grammarians disgracing sentences with your instead of you’re.
Stay Oxfordian in your Comma usage,
Team BookEnds #secondcivilwarletters
— BookEnds Literary Agency (@bookendslit) July 3, 2018
BookEnds is a literary agency, but I couldn’t leave them out of this roundup!
I have missed you most fervently. The children have found solace in their electronic devices but times are hard and wireless is scarce. My one regret is that we did not download the last season of TTG before you went away
— Erin Hahn (Gone writing) (@erinhahn_author) July 3, 2018
My dear Ambrosius,
We have secured the Pumpkin Spice depot, coveted by the 53 Percent militia. The tide is turning, and it is my hope to return in November with the 40 acres and mule General Soros promised us.
— Seressia "Uncivil" Glass (@seressia) July 3, 2018
My dear husband,
The Mom Bricade is advancing steadily with the simple tactic of loud scolding of the other side, telling them to get their sorry butts home before we kick them out of the basement.
— Dee Garretson (@deegarretson) July 3, 2018
I remember you telling me how, in the First Civil War, soldiers on opposing sides would climb out of the trenches and play cards with each other.
Not happening this time.#secondcivilwarletters
— Sage Blackwood ❄ (@urwalder) July 3, 2018
(I’m assuming that’s because they’re all playing on their phones instead #optimist)
Dear Great America,
How can the liberal majority win this war? WEAK! The last battle, which we WON despite what the FAKE news reports, that battle had the BIGGEST RATINGS EVER! This is our BEST war! Enjoy!
From Fort Mar-a-Lago
— Ben Lyle Bedard (@BenLyleBedard) July 3, 2018
We captured a scout who discovered our camp in the wine shop. I distracted him by shouting HEY Y'ALL WATCH THIS. My mother subdued him with her cane. I read my pocket Constitution twice, but he only mumbles about "fake news." Awaiting orders. #secondcivilwarletters
— Robin D. Ashe 🎩🌙🍷⚰💻 (@VampWriterGRRL) July 3, 2018
Querida mami, hunkered down here in central FL, ill-fated land of ego-driven Yoho & whiny Rubio. We’re battle weary but undeterred. Please send snack bags of platanutres & Florecitas when you can. My unit loved your last care pkg! Abrazos! #secondcivilwarletters
— Priscilla Oliveras (@PrisOliveras) July 3, 2018
Dear Sister, I write to you from the back of a Lyft that is without charger. Battery 3%. I last imbibed a 5 Hour energy drink nigh on 7 hours ago. I know 'tis not Keto & I vowed to be true. Please pray God grant me a morrow that I may give up carbs again. #secondcivilwarletters
— Caissie St.Onge (@Caissie) July 3, 2018
Southern California continues to be a stronghold for the Blue Wave Army. The last of the red-capped bots are more nuisance than threat, but we aren't taking any chances. So tomorrow we load up our taco trucks to storm the beaches of the OC. #secondcivilwarletters
— Sabrina Sol 🇲🇽🇺🇸📚 (@theromancechica) July 3, 2018
I am here for all the taco truck references!
I hardly know what to say. The legends you spoke of in my youth are true. Cycles in my regiment have now synced. Supplies are low but our rage knows no bounds. Expect an end to this bloody conflict within a fortnight.#secondcivilwarletters
— Kate Clayborn (@kateclayborn) July 3, 2018
They still rage about losing their precious monuments from the first war, but we plan to distract them from the fight with the rainbow flags of Southern Decadence and extra spice in their gumbo.
Your NOLA soldier#secondcivilwarletters
— Farrah Rochon (@FarrahRochon) July 3, 2018
My beloved Harriet —
I write to you with a heavy heart. I was gravely memed during a skirmish with a squad of Incel Irregulars. Doc Tibbens says there’s nothing for it — he will have to amputate my Twitter feed.
Womp womp — Jed. #SecondCivilWarLetters
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 3, 2018
We remain holed up in the abandoned Whole Foods. Winter is harsh and cold, but worry not; for kindling, we use NYT Op-Eds about how the rebels shooting us are just struggling with economic anxiety.
— Andrew Shvarts (@Shvartacus) July 3, 2018
Lastly, Shiloh Walker captured my feelings after an hour of scrolling through the hashtag:
— Shiloh *cocky bitch* Walker Author (@shilohwalker) July 3, 2018