In this age when men are disappointing, let us turn to our canine compatriots for solace and treat them like the heroes they are.
Superhero Accessories for Dogs
If your dog is full of angst and sadness, and also perpetually haunted by the past, might I suggest a Batman bed? The next time your dog sighs deeply about the tragedy of their lives, they can slink off to this yellow and black corner and stare at you while they concoct their plans for taking down the birds in the yard. $24.99 at Petsmart
Oh man, your dog is such an obedient, GOOD dog. Your dog is the kind of dog whose sparkling behavior puts other dogs to shame. You walk by other dogs freaking out and your dog just calmly trots next to you and looks slightly superior. Hate to tell you, but the cat DOES judge your dog really hard for being such a suck-up. $20.59 at Amazon
Whelp, your dog was the one freaking out. They can be so calm and cuddly inside, but as soon as you take them outside, it’s like GAME ON. They see a squirrel, or a cat, or a traffic cone, and it’s like TIME TO TAKE HUMANS FOR A RIDE. They have lost all reason, and you are just along for the ride until they stop hulking out on you. We’ve all been there, except for SuperDog, who is best ignored. $35.99 at SuperheroStuff
There is a high probability your dog is an asshole 90% of the time, but you love them anyway. Lots, and I mean LOTS of barking. $18.00 Amazon
Your dog is a good dog invested in justice and is best friends with the cat. Your dog makes friends and probably stares at other dogs who growl at each other in the dog park over who is more dominant like “Get over it, already. I came here to play, and also chase after toys, and all you other dogs can do is be petty. HOW EMBARRASSING.” You are inordinately proud of this. $12.49 at PetOverstock
Your dog once jumped into a tree to chase a squirrel, and then immediately regretted it. They looked REALLY sorry about it, but you have a feeling it will probably happen again. Starts at $16.99 at PetSmart
Your dog has a crowd of incredibly devoted admirers on your lovingly curated Instagram. They deserve it, because they’re such a good dog. $10.00 at PetGadget
The cat wants no part of this, thank you. They have better things to do.