You know when someone accuses you of something, or criticizes you, or rakes you over the coals, and you can only come up with a really lame excuse to cover your derrière? Well, today is your lucky day because I’ve written out some great literary excuses for you to use in such situations. Simply print out this list or write it/tattoo it on your arm and voilà! People will stop giving you sh#t. Ok, this is not guaranteed, but at least it’s better than nothing, right?
1. If your gym teacher yells at you for not jogging fast enough, YOU say: Look, a damn whale took my leg and I’m basically just getting by with this wooden one, plus I’m overwhelmed by feelings of rage and frustration so I’m just going to sit out the rest of the week, m’kay?
2. If your mom yells at you to clean up your room, YOU say: Listen, mom, every time I start cleaning up and making noise in my room, I hear this loud ba-BOOM ba-BOOM coming from beneath the floor. It kinda sounds like a beating heart. When I stop cleaning up, the beating stops. Please don’t make me clean my room. Better yet, can we move? Please?
3. If your grandma starts giving you crap about not being married yet, YOU say: I understand your worries, grandma dear, but my four sisters and I are all trying to find men at the same time and there’s pride and there’s some prejudice and Colin Firth and I just need to clear my head so I’m taking a break from dating for a while. But don’t worry. I’ll start back up just as soon as I return from my tour of England.
4. If your professor nags you about studying abroad, YOU say: Thanks for your concern, prof, but I have this fear of traveling to another country and getting sucked in and forgetting who I am and then I might start collecting skulls to decorate my little hovel and you might send another student to find me and they’ll have a really rough time of it and…maybe I should just stay here and do an independent study or something.
5. If your Aunt Mabel gets on your back again about not having kids yet, YOU say: Sure, kids sound great on paper, but what if I give birth to a kid who looks just fine and starts nursing and then suddenly turns into a giant spider and sucks the life out of me until I turn into a gross, dusty mummy-thing? I think I’ll just stick with my chocolate lab for now thanks.
6. If your landlord gets all up in your business about paying your rent late, YOU say: I completely understand, ma’am, but you see I get nervous walking up to your door to give you the rent because there’s this big axe that’s always leaning against the wall and sometimes I hear it talking to me and telling me to pick it up, so I usually have to take a couple of days to get my courage up and then I run past your door and wing the envelope into the mail slot and keep going so the axe doesn’t make me pick it up. My apologies for the inconvenience.