(Pumpkin) Spice Must Flow

If there is one thing we love to discuss in relation to science fiction, it’s how the ideas invented for the future have begun to come true in our present time. Whether it’s touch screens, world wide webs, instant meals, Siri, we love to point it all out.

But we don’t point out the big one that’s happening right now all around us, oh no. We don’t point out that Earth is becoming Arrakis, from the novel Dune.

All because of it being Pumpkin Spice Season once again.

First of all, you know all about Dune, right? A super long space epic about a desert planet which is the only source of “melange” or spice which is a super valuable resource amidst the dueling galactic forces, because of its many many uses. I can’t summarize the whole series for you, and anyway there’s a hilariously incomprehensible David Lynch film waiting to make a better effort than I would. It’s got Sting and Patrick Stewart in it! I don’t know what that’s supposed to tell you.

I love every single thing about this picture

I love every single thing about this picture


Folks, Pumpkin Spice is melange. It is the secret coinage of our own society. For a few short months every year, every single product in the entire western world that you can think of has a Pumpkin Spice variant out. Coffee? Um, yeah! Chex cereal? Yep, for some reason! Candles, cat litter, hell, I just found a Pumpkin Spice costume (is that supposed to be a sexy Halloween costume? I can’t tell).

Buy all those pumpkin spice products up, hoard them, save them for January and February and then barter them to people and watch how they become a magical currency in your world. Watch how people snatch it up because spice must flow.

You might think that’s my whole train of thought here, but you’d be wrong. So sit back down. Yeah you, in the back.

You see, in the process of making this startling and terrifying realization about our modern world and its crippling addiction to this stuff, I did what any good journalist would probably do, or at least what I see in movies, and I went undercover at a Starbucks, the greatest perpetrator of the Pumpkin Spice outpouring. Well, I say I went undercover, I really just snuck around until someone yelled at me to leave. But when I snuck into the back room, where I had previously assumed they just kept gallons of milk and a stack of Mumford & Sons CDs, what I found was shocking.

Instead of a store room, the back of every Starbucks is actually a gigantic desert plain, arid and windswept, rhythmically blowing and pulsing. I gaped, the sun beating down on me, the sand blasting at me. I watched men moving strangely across the desert, gathering something from its surface. And even worse, I watched as a gigantic sandworm exploded from the surface, towering far above me, incomprehensible in its size, then diving back into the sand as easily as though it were water.

I also saw Kevin Bacon running away from the sandworms, but I don’t know what that was about.

The Pumpkin Spice is truly the “melange” of Dune, the novel, or should I call it the nonfiction expose?? That Pumpkin Spice you are enjoying so much in your themed socks and ice cream cones and whatever? That is gigantic alien desert worm excrement! I have seen the truth!

Also, there are lesser clues, such as everyone who consumes a Pumpkin Spice latte has blazingly blue eyes, almost incandescent. And the spice seems to give them prescience, because immediately after having some, they all wear large-knit sweaters and scarves. And don’t you even try to convince me that after two or three of those bad boys, some of those people sitting in coffee shops aren’t calculating deep space flight paths and preparing to travel from star to star.

We’ve got to wake up, people! We’ve got to stop this! I know you all think it tastes good, but you won’t think it tastes so good when the whole planet is a giant desert and we are all neck-deep in political intrigue and a lot of us look like Sting! We must rid ourselves of the habit of worm excrement distillation! I have so taken my medication, listen, I am trying to explain, look, would you just —

Please Stand By

Please Stand By


Editor’s Note: We are very sorry about that. Someone left a window ajar and, well, he’s pretty spry. All of that stuff he said sure is completely made up. Everything is fine. Please remain calm. Why not have a nice Latte? 

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