Novelizations I Would Read the S*** Out Of

People keep making random garbage like Battleship or pez dispensers or whatever into movies but my dudes, I do not have two consecutive hours to indulge your nostalgia bomb. What I have is literally TENS of minutes at a time, and here are some things the novelization of which I would definitely break into tiny chunks and read in those minutes:

The Bocuse d’Or, with a HEAVY descriptive element and maybe also photos? Illustrations at least. If somebody could graphic novel this majestic food competition for me, I would climb INSIDE it.

Breaking Bad, because I will take a phrase like “the bathtub full of partially-dissolved human remains tore through the ceiling” over a visual of same, and also the dramatic tension in that show gave me hives.

stressful gifJust tryn’a unwind, tv, you’re not helping.

Hungry Hungry Hippos but I want it grimdark as fuck. Why are these hippos so ravenous, somebody backstory that for me plz.

A 911 transcript like probably any one is fine, thanks.

The Gruffalo

Alestorm’s “Nancy the Tavern Wench”

This painting:

surrealist painting

Subsequent seasons of Game of Thrones come on please somebody just write those books for meeeeeee.

An extremely metal version of the CareBears. I want that Care Bear Stare to mean something mega sinister.

care bear stareLook at their little srs bsns faces.

King’s Quest VI because that was some dramatically compelling gameplay.

Oregon Trail because I would like some functional world-buildy explanation for why you could only carry like 100 lbs of meat back from the buffalo but could go shooting again SECONDS later and grab another 70 lbs of deer. If I have that much room in my wagon why can I not carry 170 lbs of buffalo and save myself some bullets. Why can I not make two trips. Lives and several cases of dyptheria depend upon this meat.

That Pace Picante commercial where they find out that the other stuff is made in New York City. You know some bad shit happens to that dude.

What would you like to see turned into a 270-page novel and sold in a bookstore near you?

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