Previously on The Well-Readheads, we revealed our book hoarding tendencies and fantasized about opening a bed-and-breakfast to cater to booklovers and help them conquer their TBRs. We’ve been working on the business plan and look forward to inviting you to fund our Kickstarter campaign soon. For now, a preview:
The Jane Austen: 2 nights–One copy of an average-length Classic Novel You’ve Been Meaning To Read Forever. 3 meals and 2 snacks per day. Unlimited coffee or tea. One fluffy bathrobe dusted with Cheeto crumbs. In-room video displays Colin Firth encouraging you to keep going or singing “Moves Like Jagger” until you achieve a page count sufficient to shut him up (reader’s choice).
The Miller-Nin: 3 nights–This couples package includes a customized selection of erotic literature and love poetry. All meals delivered to room via a secret compartment to maximize privacy. Staff will not contact you during stay but expect to receive a written report of your activities within one month after check-out. (Why get down and dirty if you’re not going to document it?) Extra charge for breaking furniture or if the lingerie you toss onto a lampshade starts a fire. Optional upgrade to the Sartre-de Beauvoir package for guests who prefer to, uh, play in groups.
The John Irving: 4 nights–One copy of a long-ish Book You Want To Read And Don’t Have Time For, one “palate cleanser” collection of short stories or essays. 3 meals and 2 snacks per day. Unlimited coffee or tea. Cocktail service beginning at 3pm daily. One stuffed armadillo, one in-room wrestling mat. Bunk beds optional (to re-create that boarding school feel). Encouragement provided by man who is missing a limb but has A VERY STRANGE VOICE. Finish the book before checkout and see the bicycle-riding bear for free!
The Tolstoy: 7 nights–One copy of a Large Classic Tome, two “palate cleansers” for when you start to go cross-eyed from reading tiny print and long footnotes. 3 meals, 2 snacks, and 1 midnight nibble per day. Unlimited coffee, tea, and cigarettes (you’ll be a smoker by the time we get done with you). In-room applause machine to sound at each 100-page mark. Daily visits from helpful and not-at-all-annoying professor. One massage by an attractive but frigid Victorian Lady. Visits to the John Irving Suite’s wrestling mat when you get ahead of schedule and need to blow off some, er, steam.
The Agatha Christie: 7 nights–Choose between a train compartment or a ship’s cabin. Package includes 20 randomly chosen Christie novels, one monocle, one nosy elderly guest next door, one cry in the night and one masseuse/housekeeper/concierge/server played by the same person. The room includes a well-hidden venomous snake, a draught of poison, a smoking gun, bloodstains, and the feeling you’re being watched. (We also offer a half-price deal on the Christie, in which we tear the last ten pages out of the books, and we set the snake right on top of your pillow.)
The Rowling: 10 nights–One boxed set of the Harry Potter series, one cloak (invisibility not included), one personal butler dressed as a house elf. Do not under any circumstances give him your socks. 3 meals daily in the communal dining hall (with other Rowling package guests). Unlimited coffee, tea, and butterbeer. Daily meetings with your reading nemesis for motivation. One middle-of-the-night appearance by the Dark Lord to scare the pants off of you. (We said they were optional!) May be substituted for The Tolkien (inquire for details, includes second breakfasts).
The George R. R. Martin: 10 nights–one furnished castle tower, complete with swords, furs, a direwolf, and a robe monogrammed with your personal sigil. Front desk will call once a day to remind you that ‘winter is coming’. Upon finishing a book, we make you wait an exorbitant amount of time before we deliver the next one. We also execute your favorite staff member halfway through your stay. Dragon’s egg omelets served at breakfast; try our specialty drink, the White Walker!
The Douglas Adams Hitchhiker Suite–42 nights in the Beeblebrox Stateroom; a towel; a nightly swim with dolphins; three meals served in five parts in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe; one babel fish to translate any books you may wish to read in another language; one witty alien roommate.
1. Upon arriving at the Well-Readhead Inn, you must surrender all electronic devices. Guests found with such items after check-in will immediately be moved to the Twilight Room. (Manager’s note: the body glitter is temporary and will wash away after a few weeks. The shame is yours forever.)
2. Guests are invited to walk the grounds, sit a spell in the veranda rocking chairs, and enjoy therapeutic soaks in the outdoor hot tub. Those found doing so without a book will lose all out-of-room privileges for the remainder of their stay. Those found doing so without pants will be given a high-five and our undying respect.
3. The Well-Readhead Inn observes a strict “no spoilers” policy. Guests caught revealing plot points to those for whom they will ruin the experience will be exiled in the Dungeon of Distraction and forced to play Angry Birds for a period consummate with the severity of their offense.
4. Guests are expected to respect each other’s personal space and to observe the posted quiet hours when reading in the Inn’s public spaces. Anyone who makes like the annoying seatmate who won’t shut up on a three-hour flight will be sent to the Clockwork Orange Suite, the details of which are confidential.
5. All books are property of the Well-Readhead Inn; guests inclined to highlight or underline in books may pre-purchase copies. (In the case of the Miller-Nin package, cost of books is factored into the price – we don’t want those back.)
Our promise to you: You will never hear the words ‘I wish *I* had time to read’ uttered on these grounds.
Recommend additional packages and house rules in the comments below. We look forward to welcoming you to The Well-Readhead Inn soon!
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