Conan the Cimmerian, savage and seemingly invincible (except when necessary for a plot twist), is a man who lives by a code of honor. It is not a code that you or I could live by, or possibly even comprehend, but it works for Conan. Not convinced? Here’s eighteen more reason why you should follow Conan from the lawless sprawl of Khartoosh in the middle of the Kothian wastes to the cold and rainy borderline of Aquilona, and beyond, as illustrated by Volume 18 of The Savage Sword of Conan:
- Conan’s reputation precedes him. You’ve totally have heard of Conan, haven’t you?
- Conan kills gods. Regularly. Falling afoul of a god and slaughtering it righteously are common, everyday activities for Conan. To your eyes these gods might look like giant spiders or dinosaurs or whatever, but you’ve never fought a god, have you?
- He might be a god. He’s frequently referred to as one, and once he gets paid to impersonate one, and he definitely, briefly, is given the actual power of one.
- He does not fear death. He actually pursues death. It seems unlikely that he will ever actually catch up with death (see points 2 and 3) but that doesn’t stop him from staring into its hideous face and maybe trying to murder death.
- He can please you and three of your friends if you give him time. Don’t make Conan choose. Conan does not want to choose. If you make him choose, he will choose all of you.
- Conan only fails to please a woman if a small child magically gives him erectile dysfunction for comedic effect.
- Conan can solve this problem. By spanking the magical child. For comedic effect.
- Out of respect for these boner-killing abilities, Conan will not sex up the kid’s mom, even though Mom offers. Actually, this kid might be the only thing in the world Conan fears.
- Conan uses his white male privilege to speak out against rape culture. Conan is totally against rape. Conan will literally kill you to prevent you from raping women.
- It is completely incidental that women Conan saves from rape will be so overwhelmed with gratitude that they immediately sex him up in lieu of a thank you note.
- Random underwear princesses. Conan stumbles upon them all the time. Finding a random underwear princess is another normal occurrence in Conan’s life. It’s as common as finding a god to kill.
- Conan warns you. He actually doesn’t want to hurt you. He told you not to follow him around and beg for fighting lessons. You didn’t listen. But you were warned. The life of a warrior is not for the faint of heart, or men who are super attached to their limbs.
- Conan doesn’t respect your authority. He may tolerate it for a little while if you give him food or gold, but his heart bows to no man. He doesn’t tolerate your lack of respect for his authority, though. He is Conan.
- Honor among thieves. Conan is totally cool with stealing. He’s cool with you stealing. (Don’t steal his stuff, though. He will cut you. And take your stuff.) What’s not cool is stealing from the dead. Corpse robbing is right out! It’s on par with rape. Maybe worse. Don’t do it. If you do, the dead will be justified in their revenge.
- Conan is the Marxist champion of the oppressed. If you are downtrodden or in thrall of an evil wizard, Conan can free you from your bondage. Conan believes in fairly remunerating artisans for their handiwork. You can’t imprison the blind in sweatshops on Conan’s watch.
- Conan has a past. Periodically, it catches up with him. Conan remains stoic.
- Conan has a future. A shaman hermit showed him once. It’s going to be awesome.
- It can get boring, being an invincible mercenary all the time. That’s when Conan takes a break from all that sword-for-hire work to enjoy life as a pirate. This makes total sense. Revel in it.
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