Comics/Graphic Novels

16 Ways to Make the Best Spider-Man Movie

Kris Saldaña

Staff Writer

Kris Saldaña writes comics. When he isn't writing or collaborating, he's reading, attempting to cook, occasionally Netflix bingeing or starting more projects likely to fuel his imminent meltdown. Follow him on Twitter: @kris_saldana.

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Tom HollandFinally! Finally, Marvel Studios have cast their third live action Spider-Man! Since 2002 this will be Spidey’s second reboot and, boy, is everyone excited now that Spider-Man number 3 has been announced. So who’s our new webhead? I’ll tell you. It’s Tom Holland! You may know him from his role in The Impossible or BBC’s Wolf Hall, or you may not even know him at all, which is fine because all you need do need to know is that he’s a scrawny white boy perfect for the third incarnation of good old Peter Parker.

And now that the exact kind of person we expected to play Peter is actually going to play him (can you believe it) we can begin to look forward to his bright future in the MCU. First, we’ll see him in Captain America: Civil War, slinging one liners, swinging between Iron Man and Cap, fighting for superhuman liberty. Exhilarating! I can’t wait to watch three white men leading the charge in fighting for other’s civil rights. Incredible.

And then, Spidey gets another movie all to himself. Another one, isn’t that so cool? Another movie featuring dorky high school Pete, another suit, another Mary Jane and Gwen and Aunt May. Oh! And another Uncle Ben death. Isn’t that everything you’ve wished for since the last reboot in 2012?

Spidey face

So considering that this movie is going to be 6th Spider-Man film in 15 years and also that I’ve seen all of them, I am confident that I’ve deconstructed the formula to make the most perfect and box-office busting Sony/Marvel Spidey movie ever (even though I’m sure they already know what they’re doing, seeing as they’ve gone only with safe and predictable casting over the last 15 years).

Here are the rules to make sure the next Spider-Man makes bank and stays true to its roots.

  1. Peter has to be white and scrawny.
  2. He can’t be Miles Morales. 
  3. Pete must struggle to get a handle on his powers. He has to fall off some buildings, get web fluid all over his room. Normal teenager stuff.
  4. Mary Jane has to be white and out of Pete’s league, but also super into him.
    1. Exception: If they decide to use Gwen Stacy, she has to be white and out of Pete’s league, but also super into him.
  5. Uncle Ben has to be around until halfway into the movie and then die because Peter acted like a jerk once.
  6. Aunt May must be around for purely expositional reasons and/or to claw at the audience’s emotions, unsuccessfully.
  7. Miles Morales can’t be in this movie. 
  8. The villain has to be white and easily defeated and feel like he was thrown in there last minute.
  9. There has to be a second villain.
  • There has to be a third villain.
    1. Exception: If there’s a fourth villain, this villain doesn’t really count.
  • The movie has to have at least 5 MCU easter eggs that mean nothing.
  • Spider-Man needs to have a new suit.
  • It can’t be as good as Spider-Man 2.
  • It has to be better than Amazing Spider-Man 2.
  • There must be an exorbitant amount of diminishing returns.
  • The end has to lead into another MCU movie somehow. I’m not sure how yet, but I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out later.

    Some say rules are meant to be broken, but these ones are absolute. Unless Sony/Marvel wants more diversity, more interesting characters, bigger opportunities for better story, to use Miles Morales, to reach new audiences, to appeal to new audiences, to spice things up or to give the people what they want, they should follow these rules. We all know it’s worked for them before.

    Duh pete

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