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10 Things That Happen When You Read a “Real” Book

Rachel Cordasco

Staff Writer

Rachel Cordasco has a Ph.D in literary studies and currently works as a developmental editor. When she's not at her day job or chasing three kids, she's writing reviews and translating Italian speculative fiction. She runs the website, and can be found on Facebook and Twitter.

Thank GOODNESS for this article on the benefits of reading actual books! I mean, I was reading the fake stuff (i.e. ebooks), thinking that I was actually consuming the real thing!

According to this ridiculous inane unbelievable informative piece, reading “real” books will make you smarter, help you concentrate better, and even make people think you’re sexy!

But here are even MORE things that reading “real” books will do for you:

  1. Reading “real” books will make you smell better because paper has special properties that leach into your skin to make it smell like roses or potpourri or whatever the f***.
  2. Reading “real” books will help you glow in the dark because “real” books are cool and so is glowing in the dark. Right?!
  3. Reading “real” books will help you fight famine, climate change, and every single injustice in the entire world because of course.
  4. Reading “real” books will make your parents treat you like an adult because they’ll see you turning actual pages and suddenly think, “MY BABY’S ALL GROWN UP! Look at her reading like an adult, not like those kids nowadays always looking at their phones.”
  5. Reading “real” books will make people throw money at you. Like, people will walk up to you in the grocery store parking lot or the mall play-area or the dentist’s office and actually throw dollars in your face.
  6. Reading “real” books will make you so smart that you’ll be able to build your own TARDIS and travel through time to hang out with your favorite authors.
  7. Reading “real” books will stop droughts, forest fires, and floods. If we all band together and read our “real” books really really hard, we can do this thing.
  8. Reading “real” books will enable you to drink lots and lots of alcohol without getting ker-shnozzled.
  9. Reading “real” books will make other people think that you can write them, too.
    Because, you know, you are actually touching and smelling and tasting and…well…you’re in contact with the paper. So…yeah.
  10. Reading “real” books will give you really big muscles so you can steal people’s ereaders and use them as head-denters. Because people who read “real” books are empathic like that.