Mildly Annoying Things that Happen to Readers

I’m a reader; you’re a reader. And as people with mutual passions, I assume we share the same problems as well—problems like…

  1. Misplacing every bookmark you own until you are forced to sever your own limb to use as one.
  2. Accidentally folding the cover of your book and immediately feeling the collective disappointment of your ancestors.
  3. The ghosts of your ancestors reading over your shoulder just when you get to a steamy scene.
  4. Mixing up character names.
  5. Remembering character names but forgetting the names of your own family.
  6. Reading the same paragraph five times, still not understanding anything and wondering if you even know how to read at all.
  7. Reading a spoiler on the Internet and trying to forget everything, including your ex.
  8. Hearing a person tell you the ending of the book you’re reading and having to wash their blood off your favorite shirt.
  9. Going into a bookstore with no money and going out of the bookstore with new books and a new owner of your house.
  10. Having no house to read in.
  11. Having your reading interrup—
  12. Being distracted from your reading by anything from a flying bug to an alien invasion.
  13. Coming out of your room after hours (days?) of reading and realizing you’re not in Kansas anymore.
  14. Your favorite character dying. Again.
  15. Reading a negative review of your favorite book and having to explain to the police that what the neighbors heard was just you screaming at your laptop.
  16. Having your laptop scream back.
  17. Waiting for the next installment of your favorite series while the author types away on his ancient typewriter, two fingers at a time.
  18. Your favorite author writing only 2 ½ books in a lifetime.
  19. Your favorite author writing 2 1/2 books in a year while you struggle to keep up.
  20. Lending a book to an actual monster who breaks spines and folds pages instead of using bookmarks liKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING.
  21. Struggling to keep your face expressionless while reading a really cute scene in public and succeeding only in looking constipated.
  22. Reading a really steamy or really violent scene with a straight face while a stranger reads over your shoulder, horrified
  23. Running out of bookshelf space and having to start storing books in the fridge.
  24. Running out of fridge space and having to just stack books everywhere.
  25. Basically just having your house invaded by books … which is not a problem at all, now that I think about it.
  26. Being stuck in the same house for 200 years because moving your books is too much trouble.
  27. Having a TBR list longer than your life.
  28. Dying before finishing a great book.
  29. Having to come back as a zombie to finish just one more chapter.
  30. Being caught smelling your brand new book and having to pretend you’re blowing dust away from it.
  31. Struggling to finish a book you’re not into because your momma raised no quitter.
  32. Trying, and failing, to read in the car without throwing your intestines up.
  33. Planning to re-arrange your bookshelves and ending up just adding more books to them.
  34. Relating to everything, or almost everything,  in this list and wondering what your life has become.
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