21 Bible Stories for Trump

Last year, the GOP candidate for the presidency–a man with a coif that’s better than Samson’s any day of the week, the best!–declared the Bible his favorite book. This year, he jokingly compared himself to the son of a carpenter who features prominently in its second act. A day after that, one of his defenders aligned Trump to Moses, battling against the “Red Sea” of liberalism.

Twitter, never to be outdone, shot back with #BibleStoriesForTrump, conceptualized by Ben Shapiro, and which produced some gems.

What Bible nerd can resist adding on? The Bible is, after all, full of characters similar to those that you’ll find in the candidate’s speeches: immigrants. Women, both appealing and nasty. Losers, winners, and in between. Tremendous building projects. Apocalyptic undertones.

So here are a few more #BibleStoriesForTrump–because, in this season perhaps suited for weeping, it helps to laugh:

  1. The Moabites, they’re not sending us their best. Ruth: illegal. Stole Boaz. David, their descendant: total fraud. Better check his birth certificate.
  2.  Lot loses everything in Sodom–very sad. Ends up living in a cave. No “if they weren’t my daughters…!” for him, though, if you catch my drift.
  3.  Laban, smart guy, tricks Jacob into marrying homely Leah. There’s no rule against it–you’ve had time since the flood; fix it if you don’t like it.
  4.  Satan–we know who he’s working for–rigs the system against rich Job. Tremendous losses, very sad–Job becomes a total whiner.
  5.  Humanity’s not doing as well as planned; it happens. Enterprising God files chapter 11 on Earth, starts over with just Noah. Very brave.
  6. Jezebel, just a nasty woman, tricks Ahab with her foreign influence. Brings her sketchy gods and corrupts the kingdom. Not a ten anymore, I’ll tell ya.
  7.  Saul got a raw deal. Media in David’s pocket; totally rigged. Someone should drug-test Samuel–totally crooked; dumber than the Amalekites.
  8. Uriah–total loser. The king sees his wife, likes what he sees, doesn’t even wait–just grabs her. You can do that when you’re king.
  9.  Egypt lets foreigners just pour in over its borders, stealing Egyptian jobs. Then come plagues. Coincidence? I think not.
  10.  These guys, they don’t even wait for their leader to come off of the mountain; make a golden calf. Beautiful craftsmanship. I’m looking at getting it for my new hotel.
  11.  Jericho–just a terrible place. Used to be great–now all Canaanite-on-Canaanite crime. Joshua does what he has to do; makes the city great again.
  12.  Just a nasty woman, Judith. Should never have been in the running to be a judge. Gets tough Holofernes drunk and beheads him? Never trust a woman who’s a five.
  13.  Guy sits by the rivers of Babylon, promising not to forget Jerusalem. Why? Probably has a hotel there.
  14.  God creates the world in six days–not bad; I could finish quicker, under budget. Rests on the 7th. Not great stamina for a deity.
  15.  A little convenient, Josiah being shown those Torah scrolls at the 11th hour. Why weren’t they found sooner? Total plants. Israel should sue.
  16.  There’s this son of a carpenter, a stonesmith, whatever. Does great things. I’m the son of a carpenter, too, you know. Just saying.
  17. Sennacherib—not my best friend or anything, but he’s said some nice things about me–has no respect for Hezekiah. None. Can totally outsmart him.
  18. Esau gathers forces and rushes to meet Jacob–bad situation. That’s what Jacob gets, sending mail ahead that could be hacked.
  19. Esther–real looker, total babe, not the type to get dinner on the table, though–tricks her way into the king’s harem, saves some people.
  20. Joseph, real show-off, gets tossed into a hole and sold into slavery by his brothers. Pathetic–I like a dream-interpreter who isn’t captured.
  21. God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son, but the guy isn’t up for the job–he knows it, I know it, everybody knows it. Weak.

Please add your own #BibleStoriesForTrump in the comments!

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