Humor

13 Signs You Might Be a No-Frills Reader (NFR)

Cindy Butor

Staff Writer

Cindy Butor is a full-time library worker and library student who spends way too much time making comics, reading, and playing (or planning to play) Dungeons and Dragons. She lives in Lexington, KY with her super cute girlfriend and their beautiful, highly territorial cat Dinah. Her favorite D&D character is a misandrist tiefling barbarian named Rani. Follow her on Twitter: @babble_drabble.

View All posts by Cindy Butor

I love mainstream reading culture with its focus on comfy sweaters, fuzzy animals, soothing teas, and messy buns. I mean, I really love it. I’ll spend hours pinning pictures, sharing articles, and window-shopping paraphernalia, but, to be honest, that’s not the kind of reader I am. Reading isn’t a ritual complete with specific clothing, furniture, food, and drink. I come at it a lot harder and a lot more Spartan.

To use a Parks and Recreation reference, if mainstream reading culture is the Pawnee Goddesses, I’m much more like Club Swanson. I don’t want to cuddle puppies or brew tea when I’m supposed to be reading. I just want to read, and if that means I lose feeling to my legs because I’ve been on the toilet too long or I miss my train because I just have to finish this book, well, so be it.

So are you tough as nails? Would you rather finish a book than go to your best friend’s birthday? Do you find reading chairs superfluous and bookmarks pointless? Do you march to the beat of your own drummer? Have you read all the books about drumming your library has? If so, you just might have what it takes to be an NFR (No Frills Reader). Here’s 13 ways to figure it out.

  • You have walked into traffic while reading (Bonus points if you’ve never been hit!).
  • You have read a book while driving (Double bonus points if you’ve never been in an accident.).
  • You have missed a special event – wedding, birthday party, church – because you had to finish your book (Extra props if you’ve truthfully told the person why you weren’t there. An NFR doesn’t lie about her reading needs.).
  • You have gone all day without eating, drinking, or using the bathroom because the book is just too good.
  • You have lost feeling in one or more body parts because you would rather read than have proper blood circulation (Double points if you’ve noticed said limb is basically dead and you’ve just shifted your weight.).
  • You think bookmarks are for quitters (Just carry the book with your thumb in place. You’ll be going back to it soon enough.).
  • You have called in sick to work or school because you either stayed up too late reading or are still reading.
  • You have participated in a major familiar argument about why you needing to read is more important than X (You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life, girl.).
  • You have spent hours half-dressed because starting the book was more important than finishing changing your clothes (Who cares if your head is trapped in an arm hole? You can still read out of it.).
  • You have given yourself an illness from staying in the bath or outside reading too long (A sunburn counts – but not as much as pneumonia.).
  • You have been fired (or threatened to be fired) for too much reading on the job (It’s called priorities, Sheila from HR.).
  • You have accumulated over $100 worth of library late fees because reading the book is more important than being financially solvent (Why return a book you’re still going to read?).
  • You have built your own “reading fox hole” that no one can find (For me, that was the space under the sink in the bathroom. Ah, the sweet sound of no one interrupting me.).

    So, Rioters, are you an NFR? Tell us the craziest thing you’ve ever done to show your commitment to finishing your book; we definitely want to hear it.