You are peacefully reading a good book while sipping coffee or tea when, suddenly, a person comes and does something so vile, so unthinkable, so detestable that even Edgar Allan Poe shudders in his grave whenever this atrocious act is committed—the person interrupts your reading.
So I may have exaggerated a bit. Nonetheless, I think we can all agree that being interrupted while reading is very annoying, somewhere between “My new haircut is terrible” and “I tried to invade Russia in winter.” This leaves some of us asking, “How do I deal with this assbutt?”
Well, ask no more, as I have compiled some of the ways we can make the rude go away.
- Ignore them.
- Politely tell them to leave you alone.
- Point out to them that bothering someone who is engaged in an activity is rude.
- Stare at them until they go away.
- Tell them that reading is the only thing that keeps you from killing somebody.
- Tell them the book is what you were reading in prison before you escaped.
- Tell them their talking makes it hard for you to hear the voices inside your head.
- Whisper in their ear, “Hail, Hydra.”
- Tell them that one of your friends also liked to interrupt you when you were reading. Put emphasis on your use of the past tense.
- Talk to them, but only with a terrible, fake Southern or Cockney accent.
- Say, “They’re coming!” Then look over their shoulder and, with a terrified expression, slowly back away.
- Bark at them.
- Say that you are friends with a lot of clowns.
- Hum softly, and then loudly. Very loudly.
- Stuff your bookmark into their mouth.
- Scream. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
- Point at their face and laugh.
- Whisper, “Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabbs?” in a very suggestive manner.
- Shout “Allons-y” and travel to another place and time where no one will bother you.
- Flash them…
- … your badge, if you have any.
- “Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio…”
- Sing to them the song of your people.
- Make out with them (optional).
- Hulk out.
- Show them that you are reading a book called How to Get Away With Murdering Rude People.
- Answer them with your mouth full. Make sure food is sprayed on their face for maximum effect.
- Answer them in Klingon.
- Ask them what the password is.
- Shake their hand and leave.
- Touch their face and softly whisper, “He is coming for you,” before turning back to your book as if nothing happened.
I could go on and on, but for now, try some of these and let me know if they work. And how about you? What do you do when someone interrupts you while you are reading?