Rather than my usual please-don’t-adapt-that stance I’m going to the top of a mountain (okay, I only have access to a roof) to shout my love for Princeless and my plea for it to be adapted. I’ll take a Netflix series, a Dreamworks/Disney/Pixar animated movie, a blockbuster movie, an animated series–I’m even willing to take one of those live plays NBC is obsessed with. Why? Because Princeless is fantastic and it should have as large an audience as possible.
It starts with Princess Adrienne up in her tower, guarded by a dragon, waiting for her prince to save her–if they don’t get eaten first. Except she’s not actually waiting which is why when she discovers a sword under her bed she rescues herself and takes off on an adventure with Sparky (her sure-I’m-on-your-team-now dragon). It’s funny, fun, super entertaining, and feminist-as-f*ck without feeling preachy. And the entire time I was reading I kept thinking of the perfect actress to play Princess Adrienne.
Amandla Stenberg as Princess Adrienne
They’re both smart, vocal feminist, who take charge. Amandla already won our hearts in The Hunger Games as Rue (so we know they beyond have the acting chops) and has since solidified their place in our hearts as they continues to fight for intersectional feminism and speaking out on important issues like cultural appropriation. Basically, I want more Amandla Stenberg and I want more Princess Adrienne so this is just a win-win.
Ass Kicking Cookie Lyon Taraji P. Henson voicing Sparky
Okay, so Sparky doesn’t talk-talk so much as Princess Adrienne understands her noises, but they always change something in the adaptations so I’m all for Taraji channeling some fierce, funny, shit-is-gonna-get done Cookie Lyon. Also, I’ve loved Falcor since I was a kid and I’m ready to make room in my heart for a new awesome dragon.
Princess Adrienne is smart enough to bring her new friend, a blacksmith, with her–a girl needs armor! I know movies sometimes don’t get the actor they want because of scheduling conflicts so here are two equally qualified choices for Bedelia. Emily Osment’s comedy is spot on (she’s gotten me to watch Young & Hungry which is not in my wheelhouse) and recently showed her dramatic range on Mom as an addict in an abusive relationship. Basically, I can totally see her crashlanding after a ride on Sparky and making me die laughing while also pulling off serious scenes involving her backstory. And while Tina Majorino is awesome enough to carry a lead she was such a perfect sidekick to Veronica Mars I know she’d nail this out of the park.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Roderick Lovelorn
Ah, the poet in love. We’ve already seen JGL pull off lovelorn well in (500) Days of Summer and between his adorable sweet face and comedy timing he’d keep the audiences loving him and ensure Roderick never ventures into annoying-ish character.
Laverne Cox as Princess Angelica
Waiting the gap of time between seasons of Orange Is The New Black is too much for her fans and she’d be perfect as Angelica, the sister with so many suitors she’s working the system instead of waiting up in the tower.
Terry Crews as King Ashe
Thanks to Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Everybody Hates Chris we know Terry has perfected his I-ain’t-taking-any-crap face, which is good because the King keeps trying to get things done his way and things just aren’t working out that way. Terry also has the best smile which is perfect for winning over the audience.
And those are just some of the great characters so Hollywood if you’re listening this will be your next Frozen. Your next Harry Potter. It will have people still quoting it twenty years from now like The Princess Bride. (This is how you pitch Hollywood, right?) Maybe I should CC all the actresses/producers looking for their next amazing projects–Are you there Oprah? It’s me Princeless…