101 Lies to Tell So You Can Stay Home and Read

Sometimes, the best thing for a book nerd to do is to gather her strength and put the damn book down, no matter how much she might prefer to keep reading.

This is not a list for those times. This is a list for those days when the book is the only thing that’s going to happen, and you just need some words to use to get the rest of the world to go away.

Now, repeat after me: I have to stay home because…

  1. I have a sunburn and I fear that any exposure to the elements will cause me discomfort. No, you can’t come here. I’m too ashamed of my sunburn.
  2. I am shaken following an improbable brush with death. I must recover in silence.
  3. Food poisoning.
  4. There is a water main break in front of my apartment and I’m a terrible swimmer.
  5. A sudden, violent windstorm caused a live electrical wire to fall down across the only exit to my home.
  6. I am out of toothpaste and I have been drinking coffee and eating garlic bread for hours.
  7. Armpit razor burn, too cranky to socialize.
  8. I have a headache.
  9. Leaky bathroom sink requires constant mopping.
  10. I just listened to Act II of Hamilton and I can’t stop crying.
  11. I had to take a Benadryl and will probably be asleep momentarily.
  12. A small fire occurred and no one was hurt, but I am now too distressed to go out or have company.
  13. I read my horoscope this morning and I need to keep today free for a promising stranger who could change everything.
  14. I tasted vanilla extract and the fact that something that smells so good can taste so bad is making me question everything I know about the world.
  15. I saw a mouse and I am waiting to see if I see it again.
  16. I am expecting a delivery. A shameful one that I could not bear for you to witness.
  17. Avian flu.
  18. I broke a set of wine glasses in front of my door and the cord of my vacuum is too short for me to effectively clean up the dangerous slivers. Therefore, my threshold is currently impassable.
  19. I ran out of coffee this morning and am experiencing crippling withdrawal symptoms.
  20. I have come to believe that extraterrestrial life is real and unfriendly to people who leave their houses on [insert day of week here].
  21. I have a strange rash. It’s spreading quickly. Are you sure you don’t want to come over?
  22. I suspect my cat has rabies.
  23. I stayed up all night trying to watch every Lord of the Rings movie in order, both with and without commentary. Now I am insane.
  24. I ate an entire bag of sugar-free Gummy Bears and am suffering from dire gastrointestinal consequences.
  25. Dental emergency.
  26. I just found out that my favorite TV show that I always watch alone is only available on Netflix for 12 more hours.
  27. I can’t find any shoes.
  28. I tried to make beignets in my own kitchen and cannot find my way out of the sweet powdered sugar chaos.
  29. The existence of Donald Trump has extinguished any lingering interest I may have had in my fellow humans.
  30. My neighbor got inside my apartment and I can’t figure out how to politely ask him to leave.
  31. This smoothie is giving me brain freeze but it’s too delicious to stop drinking so I will have brain freeze for the foreseeable future.
  32. I ate something I may be allergic to and I’m waiting to see if I swell up or not.
  33. The stairs in my apartment building have been structurally compromised and there’s no way in or out.
  34. Snakes.
  35. My Magic 8 Ball gave me conflicting answers about my outfit and I am now paralyzed with indecision.
  36. I have pink eye and it’s terribly contagious.
  37. Engaged in a fit of crafting and accidentally superglued a small paper castle to my own thumb.
  38. It is too cold.
  39. New vibrator requires repeated test runs.
  40. I believe I may have splashed some Draino on my bare skin by accident and I am waiting to see if I need medical attention or if the tingling is just a physical manifestation of my anxiety.
  41. I stubbed my toe really hard and it hurts to walk.
  42. I bit my tongue really hard and it hurts to talk.
  43. I saw a bat and I am devising a test to determine if it is a vampire. Until then: I must not leave my circle of salt.
  44. I went to the gym after not going to the gym in a really long time and now I am now effectively paralyzed with soreness.
  45. I have chipped my front teeth in a shocking Frisbee incident and look too ridiculous to associate with anyone until it is fixed.
  46. Suddenly under solitary house arrest for a minor crime I never felt you needed to know about.
  47. Made cookies, must eat them while they are warm, do not want to share.
  48. I decided to try a new hairstylist and am too ashamed by the disastrous results to see anyone.
  49. My only bra that fits has started doing that thing where the underwire pokes you in the chest no matter which way you lean and I am much too voluptuous to go anywhere unsupported.
  50. I just farted and may do so again; I will stay home for the greater good.
  51. A terrible rice-maker incident requires my urgent attention.
  52. I have turned into a mermaid like in that Disney Channel Original Movie and must return to my scenic sea cove.
  53. Secret reasons.
  54. I dropped my iPhone into a mug of tea and am too distraught to do anything until I know if the bag of rice has healed it or not.
  55. Refrigerator made a funny noise, must wait and see if it does it again.
  56. I already took off my pants.
  57. I tried an at-home waxing kit and am now in excruciating pain.
  58. Dishwasher is not dishwashing, must call a plumber or whatever.
  59. I have decided to adopt a llama and so I must prepare.
  60. I let my health insurance lapse and am too afraid to leave my home or expose myself to anyone until I am once again insured.
  61. I am tangled in a scarf and cannot escape.
  62. My head is terribly itchy. Did I mention [person you have recently associated with] has head lice?
  63. It is raining.
  64. It rained earlier and I hate seeing worms dying on the sidewalk.
  65. It might rain.
  66. A car thing happened to my car.
  67. I tried to help a stranger and was vomited upon. Cannot do anything but shower repeatedly forever.
  68. I spilled yogurt on the thing that I wanted to wear.
  69. Fruit flies.
  70. I have a weird feeling that I will have a nosebleed if I get off of my couch.
  71. I have become concerned about the tension between our astrological signs and need to reevaluate the wisdom of our friendship.
  72. Phone battery died.
  73. I heard there is a police chase in my neighborhood and I want to help law enforcement by staying out of the way.
  74. Cannot shower because towels all smell weird, cannot socialize because I smell weird.
  75. I have a Rudolf-style pimple on the end of my nose and could not stand to be caroled at in a mocking manner.
  76. No socks.
  77. How do you get blood out of car upholstery?
  78. I had too much coffee must monitor my heart rate in case of death.
  79. My computer gave a weird error message and I am trying to determine if I have lost everything I care about.
  80. Credit card fraud. Will be on hold with the bank for the rest of my life.
  81. I wore new shoes yesterday and am now too crippled by blisters to move.
  82. I had a bath mat incident and I must attend to it.
  83. I accidentally hit my head on the freezer door while putting away groceries and I feel that I must stay still until I am sure that I do not have a concussion.
  84. No clean underwear.
  85. I had a landline installed and am now waiting for a phone call from someone very private who only uses landlines and so you see I must stay here by myself.
  86. I cut my tongue while licking Nutella off of the knife I was using to eat Nutella and now it hurts to talk. Also: shame.
  87. I finally set up my model trains and can’t leave them unattended because without a conductor there is only madness.
  88. I tried to do math, am now horribly ill.
  89. I sent an incriminating text to the wrong person and must never show my face again.
  90. Mosquitoes.
  91. I tried to follow an eyeshadow tutorial from Pinterest and my appearance would now frighten children.
  92. I drank a lot of water and I prefer to pee somewhere familiar.
  93. My underwear is all either too tight or too loose.
  94. I am in self-imposed seclusion until I successfully learn how to play the piccolo from YouTube tutorials.
  95. I swore to read all of the Best Books of 2015 before it is 2016 and am running out of time.
  96. I tried to pluck my eyebrows but first one was slightly uneven and then the other one slightly uneven was and now I have no hair left on my body.
  97. I have the hiccups.
  98. Too busy making a list of reasons why I have to stay home and keep reading.
  99. I have decided to live life as if I were in Victorian times and I cannot get a chaperone at such short notice. Also, what is this demon box you have used to contact me?
  100. I ran out of contact lenses and without any contact lenses I can’t see well enough to find my glasses. Or the door to my apartment.
  101. I have a disquieting feeling of impending doom.

Party never, read forever t-shirt for fabulous book nerds.

T-shirt via, featured image via.

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