We Have Questions About James Patterson’s Self-Destructing Book

James Patterson – who is not necessarily known for his subtlety and nuance –  recently announced that with the release of his latest book, Private Vegas, he is offering his fans a few special opportunities.

To the first person who has a spare $294,038 sitting around, Patterson will be offering a special copy of his new book, a first-class flight to an undisclosed location, two nights in a luxurious hotel, 14k gold-plated binoculars that are engraved with Patterson’s initials, a five-course dinner with Patterson, the entire Alex Cross series autographed by Patterson, PLUS an opportunity to watch a SWAT team destroy the novel in “spectacular fashion.”

There are SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.

Why $294,038? Assuming that is how much it’ll cost that much to cover all of the costs involved, it is just such a SPECIFIC number. Is rounding up to $295,000 too much of a breaking point for James Patterson fans? I feel like when you are Scrooge McDuck levels of rich (which is what I assume you have to be to have a spare $300,000 handy), those $962 are pretty expendable.

Where is the “undisclosed location”? The obvious guess to tie in with the new book would be Las Vegas, but I like to imagine that with such a high price you’re going to get whisked off to James Pattersons’ own private island (blindfolded, of course, so that you can’t figure out where exactly you may be during the trip).

What is this meal you will share with J.Pat? (Clearly once you break bread with James Patterson, you are allowed to call him J.Pat.) I would want nothing but the best in order to get my money’s worth, but clearly we have no opinion on the matter. Will it be his favorite foods? What are J. Pat’s favorite foods? Do you think J. Pat eats pizza with a fork and knife a la Emily Gilmore?

What is J. Pat’s dinner conversation like? Should you come prepared with a list of questions ready to ask him or will he actually be interested in the ordinary lives of us lowly fans? Although, with a $294,038 price tag, this person is probably neither ordinary nor lowly.

Why would you want J. Pat’s initials on the binoculars? Are you afraid you are going to get these gold binoculars mixed up with your other pairs of gold binoculars and you want a way to differentiate them? Or maybe if your initials are also JP you could use them as a way to separate them from all your friends’ gold-plated binoculars since silver binoculars are so 2014.

How will the book be destroyed? Will it be burned and be like a real life version of that video he put out late last year? (If you haven’t watched that video yet, do yourself a favor and do it immediately.) Will the book be destroyed through an explosion? Will you have to wear safety equipment? Is the safety equipment provided? Can you make suggestions and run experiments like in Mythbusters? Can you request the Mythbusters to actually be there?

Can you just pay actual SWAT teams to show up somewhere? Is J. Pat so rich that, at this point, he has major police squads available to him at all times? Or are these guys the mall cop version of the SWAT team?

My favorite part, however, may be the official website URL: http://themosthrillingreadingexperiencemoneycanbuybyjamespatterson.com/

Does J. Pat think so highly of himself that he actually does think this is the most thrilling reading experience money can buy? Because I’m pretty sure you could go skydiving with a book and that would be significantly more thrilling than have a five course meal with him.

For those of us who may not have that $300,000, James Patterson is also offering 1,000 fans the opportunity to read Private Vegas early. However, once you begin, you only have 24 hours to finish and each page disappears as you turn it. Also, others can “steal” your time. This is… appealing? Because what reading thrillers and mysteries was really missing was extra anxiety.

To be honest, I like to see authors – particularly ones with large audiences – get creative with their marketing and entice fans in a new way. This feels like a fun and buzzy new way to create hype around a book that may not have gotten much attention otherwise. Kudos to J. Pat (and his publicist) for that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go start a Kickstarter campaign for $294,038.

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