Trailer Rundown: Fifty Shades of Grey

Not gonna lie, Beyoncé is pretty much the sole reason I watched the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer through to the end. It was one of those, “What’s that song? I’ve heard it before, I just know it!” sort of moments.

Ok, I’m not being entirely truthful. I’m also curious, as a person who hasn’t read the books and only has their reputation to go by, as to how the film would be marketed/stylized, how the actors would look, and what kind of dialogue I could expect. After carefully watching the thing a few more times than necessary, here’s the breakdown according to me.

0:20 – Classic “two smokin’ hot ladies put in the same shot so you can see that one of them is supposed to look dumpy while the other is all sharp and cool.” This shot made me think of The Devil Wears Prada more than anything else. And then I smiled because I love that movie.

0:28 – “He was… polite?” – and headless. The dude’s head has been cut off from the shots. MYSTERIOUS! Wait, no – it’s disturbing.

0:45 – Self-deprecating humor by Smokin’ Hot Actor Lady.

fifty-shades-of-grey0:50 – We finally see the dude’s head, and he uses it to squint one eye while intensely staring at Smokin’ Hot Actor Lady and assuring her that he is, indeed, looking at her despite her best intentions to scare him away.

Also, doesn’t she work for a newspaper? That’s how they meet, yes? She’s interviewing this dude for a paper? And he asks her about herself, and she’s like, “Tee hee, I’m boring.” Man, being a reporter must suck.

0:56 – Close-up on Smokin’ Hot Actor Lady’s baggy eyes.

1:00 – The key to success is being a control freak. And lens flare. And SHAL’s comeback? She calls him boring. But we know he isn’t boring. Ohh. We. Know.

1:07 – Valentine’s Day, eh? Reminder, folks: this isn’t a how-to video.

1:17 – Is he, le gasp!, unable to control himself?

1:21 – OPEN INVITATION.

1:25 – JEALOUSY.

1:35 – TOPLESS.

1:47 – Some more creepy-intense staring, which leads to SHAL’s open challenge: “Oh, I ‘wouldn’t understand,’ you say? SHOW ME.”

1:56 – Mini-montage that isn’t really steamy, just, there. Like, here: look at all these things. We’re going to show you all these things. Please come look at all these things in the movie theater. You want these things, yes?

2:12 – Confirmation that I have both heard and not heard the song in the trailer (Crazy In Love). Also Beyoncé is a goddess.

2:20 – Reminder it’s coming out on Valentine’s Day. Don’t forget!

In all seriousness, it’s a weird trailer to watch. I like all the colors and the sort of modern feel they’re going for, but looking at this at face value (I have no choice because I haven’t read the source material), it’s kind of awkward. Lots of silence. And staring.

Thank Zod for Beyoncé.

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