“Did Jane Austen Ever Have Sex Dreams About Her Characters?” and Other UnGoogleable Book Questions


Question mark of books

Sometimes, late at night, when the world is sleeping and I am NOT SLEEPING, I look up at my ceiling and I think of literary questions I would love to know the answers to. I was going to keep my gossipy questions to myself, but then I thought, when has it EVER been a good idea to keep gossipy questions to oneself, and moreover, when has that ever been the FUN CHOICE, never, that’s when, never, so below, some of my gossipy book questions I wish I could Google but can’t because they answers are either well-guarded or long-forgotten secrets or the answers don’t actually exist.

-What were the BEST books in the Library of Alexandria? AND what were they about and what modern works would they be most closely related to (e.g. A pre-common era Fifty Shades of Grey? An old-timey Gone Girl?) P.S. I know my book history, I know Alexandria burned in 48 BC, and I know novels weren’t really a thing until, like a thousand years later, but what if there were some ancient writers who were ahead of their time and writing novel-like things and we’ll never know because ALEXANDRIA, IT BURNED.

-What was that one play that Shakespeare just completely half-assed because he had a deadline to meet  (I really feel like it was Midsummer)? Also, what play was he SO proud of that, like, no one does anymore (Coriolanus? I’m going to go with Coriolanus)?

-Among the Bronte family, who did everyone secretly think was the most talented: Charlotte or Emily?

-And on that note, which couple (of her own penning) did Jane Austen ship the most? I know I should just leave it at that but I have one more Austen question I just want to ask really, really fast, did Jane Austen ever have sex dreams, and if she did, what were they about, were they about her characters, did she dream about Darcy/Bingley slash-fiction okay, I’m done.

-What is the precise number of white men who have committed f—ed-up acts and cited The Catcher in the Rye as their inspiration?

-What is the absolute meanest letter an agent/publisher has sent to an author in response to a query letter? And just as important, after the author read that letter WHAT DID HE/SHE DO?

-What was the first book the world hate-read together?

-Who was the first fangirl and what was the cause of the first “squee!”?

-What is the worst-written self-published book of the new Amazon Kindle ebook/Smashwords era and more to the point, what is the worst-designed self-published book cover?

-Who threw the drunkest party in literary history? Scott and Ernest might have this one, especially if they co-hosted, but not so fast, what about Euripides throwing A BACCHANAL? Where’s a time machine and a flask when you need one?

-Has John Green ever just gotten so sick of his nerd fighters and has he ever gone off on just the cruelest rant about his fans to his wife or brother and if so WHERE IS THE TRANSCRIPT?

-When did young and insecure girls stop sleeping with famous authors and start sleeping with famous rockstars?

-What book did Stephen King write while on the most drugs and which of his books is secretly the best because he wrote it on the most drugs?

-How much money does Stephenie Meyer give to the Mormon Church? And how much money does J.K. Rowling give to the wizarding community to help keep Hogwarts a secret?

Those are my burning-a-hole-through-my-brain book questions. What are yours?

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