Monsters get a lot of action this time of year, but it’s usually from the humans’ perspective. Oh, poor humans, always scared of monsters! Don’t they know monsters have feelings and stories to tell too? We’ve been thinking about this a lot lately (maybe more than is advisable), so we teamed up with the folks at Biographile to dream up the 10 monster memoirs we most want to read. Check out our 5 picks here, then pop over to Biographile to see their selections.
1. The Smoke Monster from LOST–Talk about getting a bad rap! Whenever Smoky appeared, you just knew something bad was going down. And okay, yeah, the Smoke Monster was really The Man In Black working some crazy voodoo magic, so this would kind of technically be The Man In Black’s memoir too. We’re down with that. We want to know what it felt like to be the centuries-old evil presence on the island. We want to know why he decided to impersonate Locke and what it felt like, and whether he regrets anything he did. Did he keep track of how many times people tripped while running from him? (What was it with LOST and the running-through-the-jungle-and-tripping obsession)? Were there items on his bucket list he didn’t get to complete before Jack and Kate killed him? Questions! We have them.
2. Smaug the Dragon–This mad, bad, fire-breathing dude is about to get a whole lot of screen time–the second installment of The Hobbit movies is named after him–but we’re willing to bet it won’t be flattering. That’s what you get when you hoard treasure and scare the poor hobbitses, I suppose, but what else are you supposed to do when the author of your series describes you as “a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm?” Maybe Smaug dreamt of growing up to give hobbit children dragon rides at their birthday parties. Who knows? And what did he think about during all that time he spent sitting on his pile of gold? How does he feel about Benedict Cumberbatch playing him in the films? There’s plenty material to be mined here. (See what we did there?)
3. A Dementor–It’s not easy to break away from He Who Must Not Be Named and live to tell the tale, and you just know that a defecting dementor would have some stories. We want to know where dementors come from, how old they are, and what they really think about the Dark Lord’s machinations. What’s the most dangerous mission this dementor went on, and what’s the craziest thing he or she (Do dementors have gender? Another question!) saw while guarding Azkaban prison? This would be the ultimate insider tell-all, to be followed, of course, by incredible appearances on The Colbert Report and Oprah.
4. The Abominable Snowman–Now here’s a memoir that would be legen-waitforit-dary. Few beings in popular mythology seem as misunderstood as this guy, and nothing makes for a great memoir quite like a tortured soul who is finally getting to tell his side of the story. Assuming the Abominable Snowman actually exists and is not just a large polar bear (that’s just what scientists like to say), we’d love to know what life is like all alone on those mountains in Nepal. And is he even alone, or is there an Abominable Snowlady to keep him company? Do they have adorable snowbabies? Is Bigfoot also real, and are they cousins? It can’t be fun to go through life having everyone assume you’re abominable. It’s time this monster had a chance to set the record straight.
5. Moby-Dick–Shifted-perspective takes on the classics are all the rage right now, and this would take the trend to a whole new level. Let’s let The Whale himself tell us why he attacked Ahab’s boat and bit off his leg back in the day and how he felt about the Captain’s single-minded pursuit of revenge. Did he kinda-sorta want to get caught? Does it hurt his feelings that people say the whaling chapters are super boring? There’s an ocean of possibility for this one. (Sorry, couldn’t resist….)
Your turn, readers! Which monsters’ memoirs would you love to read? Tell us in the comments, and don’t forget to hit up Biographile for their list.
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