An Audiobook-Synced Vibrator Exists: A GIF Response

I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old boy, so when I found that there exists in the world an Indiegogo campaign for a vibrator that is synced to audiobooks you play on your smartphone, I thought of a Nintendo Rumble Pak controller and laughed hysterically. The product is synced as in: follows the action of the audio track. Ahem: follows the action.

Predictably, the campaign ran for $15,000 and has raised over $95,000 because this is a post-50 Shades world, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, you don’t get to pick any ole random book to work with the…device…you select from pre-recorded “fantasy” audios already in the app. And because the existence of such a thing does actually say something about the future of interactive literature, it deserves a response. And because it’s a little bit dirty and a whole lotta funny, it gets a GIF response, using the oh-so-purple product copy. And because I’m feeling PARTICULARLY cheeky, it gets an All-Orange-Is-The-New-Black GIF response.

“People often forget that the brain is the biggest sex organ. Research shows hearing, mood, emotion and fantasies play a big part in a woman’s sexual pleasure and satisfaction. We’ve created a product using revolutionary technology to tap into how women are designed to best experience pleasure. The result is nothing short of extraordinary.”

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“The Vibease and Fantasy app work like this… The vibrations are personalized to each Fantasy, and it gives vibrations with different intensities and various patterns at just the right moments.”

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Fifty Shades of Grey sold millions of copies all over the world because it stimulated the mind. Now imagine listening to Fifty Shades of Grey with a hands free vibrator that works in perfect sync with the audio fantasy.

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“It’s not about the end result. It’s about the journey. The Vibease lets you enjoy every second of the journey all the way up until the exciting intense “conclusion”.”

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“By combining a Bluetooth-enabled vibrator with iOS and Android apps, Vibease vibrator vibrates in sync with audio fantasy. With the Fantasy App, you can select one of the audio fantasies from the list to set you in the mood. You don’t have to hold the vibrator (or your smartphone). You can relax and totally enjoy the moment. No user control is needed from this point onward.”

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“In the future we will also use binaural audio (3D audio) to make it even more real. Binaural audio gives sensation for the listener of actually being in the room with the performers. You can feel as if the person is beside you.”

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“We provide a comprehensive library for you to find a fantasy that suits your mood. Each Fantasy contains audio and non-explicit images. It does not contain any video.”

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Now just imagine what the world will be like when they figure out how to sync this with any audiobook of your choice. Audiobook sales figures will become a liitttllleee bit more interesting.

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