Shark Week is upon us, that magical time of year when the Discovery Channel honors everyone’s favorite natural killing machine. But what if the concept of Shark Week existed in literary realms?
I mean, think about it. There are plenty of fantasy and science fiction stories out there where some sort of monstrous creature plays a big role in the story. It’s easy to imagine the people (and magical creatures) of these worlds would have their own Shark-Week-esque tradition.
What would these shows look like and what would the programming consist of? Well, let’s have a look at a few.
SANDWORM (OR SHAI-HULUD) WEEK (Dune by Frank Herbert): Programming involves found footage and security tape of the sandworms of Arrakis, attacking mining equipment whenever scouts fail to notice that a worm is coming.
The show also spotlights the brave Fremen who ride the planet’s sandworms. The few who decide to be featured on the program do so with their faces in shadow, as the show has been banned on Arrakis, where the worms are considered holy by the planet’s people.
BUGGER WEEK (Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card): Families settle down in their living rooms to watch Bugger Week which, for reasons unknown to them, is basically the same bunch of clips over and over again.
No one seems to care, except for a few really smart kids who point this out in the reviews of subsequent video releases.
ORC WEEK (The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien): Lacking the technological means to actually watch television, Orc Week is practiced in few locations around Middle Earth, by sharing stories during festivals.
Even though the War of the Ring is over, the stories tend to be violent. It’s the first known origin of the Elvish phrase “asjdkfhskdfdsf” or loosely translated, “too soon.”
Hobbits with too much time on their hands have also expanded the idea of Orc Week, creating Fell Beast Week, Oliphaunt Week, and Warg Week.
WIGHT WEEK (A Song of Ice & Fire by George R.R. Martin): Much like Orc Week in the Lord of the Rings world, Wight Week is another week of storytelling. Horror stories are told around campfires and the grand halls alike, tales of the dead being reanimated by Others. It’s not fun.
VOGON WEEK (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams): Fortunately for the many alien races across the cosmos, Vogon Week was a short lived, poorly thought out series that featured Vogons reading their terrible, horrible poetry to unsuspecting victims.
Initial episodes were said to have killed tens of thousands of viewers. Reviews referred to the show as the third worst show in the Universe.
DEMENTOR WEEK (Harry Potter): An idea proposed by a suspicious wizard (who would go on to be an agent of Lord Voldemort, obviously), the Dementor Week program never came to fruition.
Since the horrible creatures sucked in the joy and happiness of anyone nearby, the filmmakers were sent out to capture footage, and were never heard from again.
SHARK WEEK (Jaws by Peter Benchley): Oh wait.
Now, lets have some fun. What sort of literary monster weeks would you like to see happen? Sound off in the comments.
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