Humor

Baby, It’s Cold Outside: 6 Books About Naughty Librarians to Keep You Hot & Bothered [NSFW]

When the Book That Shall Not Be Named came out and caused such a ruckus, I too was curious about this book that could make women take to the streets of Manhattan or (in the case of the Upper East Siders, some of whose marriages reportedly were saved by this book) had their personal lackeys pound the pavement to the nearest bookstore to buy out all of the available copies off of the shelves. I eagerly anticipated opening that first chapter (on my Nook, of course, a lady never reads her porn where one can see it – this isn’t 1980), and bracing myself for the (what I thought was going to be) inevitable shock to come.

Mind you, I have seen actual porn (who hasn’t?). I grew up with older brothers, so am familiar with the 1980s/1990s teenage boy coming-of-age-ritual of watching late night Cinemax through a “snowy” television screen, trying to catch a glimpse of nipple as the grey lines go up and down the screen; remotes in hand in case parents (or annoying little sisters) come into the room. I also lived in a co-ed dorm my freshman year of college. My group of guy friends thought it was hilarious to sneak into my room and put in a porn video at full volume while my roommate or I were showering down the hall. They always made sure to leave the door wide open so that every passing person could see into the room (walls painted with rainbows, flower stickers decorating our beds, our latest goldfish of the week sitting in its decorated bowl by the door, and porn screaming from the television that more often played “Hope Floats” or “Working Girl”). I’d always know what I was up against when I heard loud moans and annoying, fake orgasmic screams drifting down the hall towards me as I emerged from the bathroom.

I always went pink, except for the day I went red. The boys had become so immersed in their own video that they had forgotten to leave the room. As I stood in the doorway I witnessed something that I didn’t actually know was possible happening on my television. I had no words, and the boys had no willpower to move (what could you expect with the raunchiness on the television and a real-live college girl standing in only a towel in the doorway; what heterosexual, hot-blooded 18 year-old boy would want to move? I get this now… I did not back then). The disgust on my face, coupled with the overwhelming desire to want to wash my brain of what I had just seen, must have resulted in something spectacular coming out of my mouth (though I can’t remember it now), because that was the last time I came home to pornography blasting out of my television.

Back to our little erotica explosion of 2012. Since I’m an adult who (though has not been hiding under a rock for the past 15 years or so) does not belong to, subscribe to, or frequent pornography sites, stores, video shops, etc., I was expecting The Book to be about something that would actually be titillating. I thought there might be a gasp or even a blush or two on my part… they’re not all that hard to elicit from me when things get very, very naughty. Alas, not even a stirring. More of a “what the… where’s the…?” sentiment throughout the first 100 pages, until I could not read one more page because of sheer boredom.

So here’s for all the booknerds, the blushers, the I-don’t-want-to-watch-a-stranger-fuck-a-horsers; here are the real Books That SHALL Be Named, and passed along (or better yet, just recommended, because who really wants that book after you’re done with it?). Note the old-school covers, that’s because these were written back when people, apparently, knew what turned on actual adult human beings, not just teenage girls (nothing against teenage girls, I was one once of course). Might I also explain that this is not an exhaustive list, it’s a starter list (oh yes, there is MUCH more where this came from); and I stayed on the theme of librarians because a.) what is sexier than a person who knows their books and their Dewey Decimal System? and b.) it was, after all, a librarian who devised the word “pornography”… naturally. (Thanks to The Paris Review Daily for that tid-bit.)

CAUTION: The following may cause blushes, gasps, and embarrassment if opened on a publicly displayed computer. The author of this article still cannot believe she did the research for, and compiling of, this article… but someone had to do it, and she wanted to help her fellow citizens in ridding the bestseller lists of crappy fake-erotica.

ab-5443-horny-peeping-librarian-by-frank-brown-eb

 

*****

hp-6555-the-naughty-librarian-by-laura-quincy-eb

*****

pp-7315-bang-the-librarian-hard-by-laura-winters-eb

 

*****

hp-6086-the-librarians-naughty-habit-by-heather-brown-eb

 

***** 

m-4039-the-librarians-little-helpers-by-anita-george-eb

 

 *****

tb-1011-hot-pants-librarian-by-mark-carver-eb