Humor

Literary Missed Connections

Waiting in line at Burger King – m4w (Miami) You: Purple hair, multiple piercings. Me: Swarthy, long red coat. You said the hook at the end of my arm was the most extreme piercing you’d seen. I’d like to spend some dubloons on you next time I’m in port.

sexy blonde at hot dog cart – m4w (NOLA) hey gurl u were so fine in ur puffy jacket and it was so cute how u dribbled mustard on ur shirt. and how u called me a creep. call me – i’d love to show u the french quarter. (if my mom answers, hang up)

Trust in me – m4anyone (The Jungle) Looking for sssssomeone sssssssspecial to share a branch, sssssssqueeze sssssssupper and ssssssssleep.

the roof, the roof – w4m (Thornfield Hall) I spotted you from my window as you delivered wood to the house – I swear our eyes locked briefly for a second. Did you feel it, too? Come back to the Hall on Thursday night – I’ll create a diversion so I can escape. I just know we’d get along like a house on fire.

AWAY IN A MANGER – m4w (NEW HAMPSHIRE) YOU WERE IN THE AUDIENCE AT A PERFORMANCE OF THE NATIVITY, LOOKING BORED. I WAS BABY JESUS. I LIKED YOUR SPARKLY BLACK SWEATER. DO YOU LIKE BASEBALL? MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER AND THROW A BALL AROUND SOME TIME.

The pull is irresistible – w4m (London) Saw you late last night – you were walking past the cemetery in a white scarf and black tails. I was the redhead dressed inappropriately for the weather. I’ll get right to the point – I want you so bad I think I’m going to lose my head. Meet me by the cemetery gates Wednesday night, and I’ll show you. (PS – Do you have children? Bring them. I love children. Babies, especially.)

Shopping at Michael’s Arts & Crafts - m4w (Tennessee) You had curly brown hair and lovely skin – I like a woman who doesn’t obsess over her weight. I couldn’t help but peek in your basket – great fabric choice. And I noticed when I followed you to the parking lot that you have a small dog – I have a small dog, too! Would love to get together sometime and share lotion.

Handsome fella in the town square – w4m (Boston) You helped me when I dropped my scarf in the mud. You looked so embarrassed when our fingers touched briefly – your cheeks turned scarlet. I’d enjoy sharing a cup of tea sometime. Ask anyone – when it comes to loving, I get an ‘A’.

sexy hobbitses – m4w (misty mountain) oh precious precious hobbitses! we loves your chubby fingers and furry feets. we will gives you a ring. we loves you, we loves you, we loves you forever!

(Pssssst. Just in case you missed one of these connections, highlight the text below…)

1. Captain Hook, Peter Pan
2. Ignatius J. Reilly, A Confederacy of Dunces
3. Kaa, The Jungle Book
4. Mrs. Rochester, Jane Eyre
5. Owen Meany, A Prayer for Owen Meany
6. Lucy Westernra, Dracula
7. Buffalo Bill, Silence of the Lambs
8. Hester Prynne, The Scarlet Letter)
9. Gollum, The Hobbit